


Left on Read

by WingSongHalo



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alluka and Nanika are Good Sisters, Angst and Fluff, Background LeoPika - Freeform, M/M, Original Characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22165420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingSongHalo/pseuds/WingSongHalo
Summary: Gon and Killua reunite after almost two years apart, and although much about them has changed, too much of it seems to have stayed the same.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 108
Kudos: 126





	1. Not Quite a Reunion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Carochinha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carochinha/gifts).



> Hello, everyone!
> 
> I started writing this in like... 2015, I think? It was a very long time ago. I had huge plans for this story, and an entire plot laid out, and over 3 chapters written, and then I never finished it, which is a tragedy because not to toot my own horn but it's pretty damn good. 
> 
> So I'm going to post the first 3 chapters, and maybe see if I can get the gumption up to work on it again :)
> 
> As it was when it began, this is for you, Carol. Thanks for not letting me give up on this.

“ _Hey, Killua! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Almost 3 months! Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I finally caught up on homework. Did I tell you about that? Mito-san made me do YEARS’ worth of homework!! Crazy, huh? I’m kinda jealous you didn’t have to do anything like that, haha!...Oh, I forgot to tell you...I...I think my_ nen _is gone. It...was kind of a shock to me. Ging thinks I might be able to build it up again, though. It’s a little daunting, but I’m sure I can do it...Well, give me a call back sometime! Or if you can, come visit me here on Whale Island! Tell Alluka and Nanika I said hello!”_

_\-----------_

“ _Hi, Killua! You never got back to me, so I hope you’re all right...I’ve been traveling around a bit, doing a couple odd jobs here and there...Bisky says I’m improving really fast, but my abilities are still weak, so I haven’t been doing anything too big. The jobs are always different , anyway, even if they aren’t always exciting. I bet it would be way more fun with you. Hey, remember when we just went around Yorkshin City to find stuff to bid on so we could sell it? I tried that again recently. It didn’t turn me much of a profit, haha...I got bored with it pretty fast, because there wasn’t anything I really wanted the money for. You were always better at knowing what to use it for. I wish I had you here to advise me. ...Well, call me back soon if you can! Take care!”_

_\-----------_

“ _Happy birthday, Killua! Are you surprised I remembered? I know it’s been a while, but I could never forget your special day, ehehe. I have something I wanted to send you, but I don’t know where to send it, so I guess I’ll have to give it to you in person sometime. I just hope it’s not expired by then. ...Wait, forget I said that! Uh...let’s talk soon! Bye!"_

_  
\-----------_

“ _Hey, Killua...it’s been 6 months since I’ve heard your voice. I’m...getting pretty worried about you. Leorio and Kurapika say I should just trust that you’re taking care of yourself, but I know you get caught up in taking care of other people and don’t think about yourself very much, so...I hope Alluka and Nanika are taking care of you. Call me back soon, okay? I miss you.”_

_  
\-----------_

“ _Killua? I hope this is the right number. Last time I tried calling, the voice said the number had been disconnected, so I got pretty upset...I called Leorio, though, and he had your new number. Hey, Killua...are you mad at me? I couldn’t help but wonder why you gave Leorio your new number, but not me. Whatever I did, I’m really sorry, okay? There’s probably lots of things I should say sorry for, but I’m too dumb to know what they are, so...could you maybe tell me sometime?”_

_  
\-----------_

“ _Remember when you told me I was admirable for knowing what I wanna do, because you didn’t have anything you wanted, and I told you that you should just stay with me and we’d see the world? ...I think about that a lot. I wonder if you’ve seen as much as the world as I have? Still, I think everything would look a lot different with you.”_

_  
\-----------_

“ _Killua!! I just wanted to say thank you for your email the other day! I totally understand why you couldn’t talk on the phone all that time—if your family comes after you again, I’ll come help you, okay? Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there! You’d do the same for me, right? Well, not that I have any family members trying to hunt me down. For a long time it was the other way around, haha! I’ll send you an email soon!”_

_  
\-----------_

“ _I heard something on the radio about a kid who randomly donated billions of jenny to that hospital I stayed at, back... then. That was you, wasn’t it? It had to be.”_

_  
\-----------_

“ _Killua? It’s been a year. I miss you, and, um...no, never mind, sorry.”_

* * *

Killua checked his reflection, smoothing a hand fussily over the top of his silver hair. It was pointless. It always poofed back out—yup, there it went. He frowned, and so did the Killua in the mirror. Besides his untamable hair, he looked all right: the circles under his eyes weren't too bad, and his open light-green plaid button-down shirt over a dark t-shirt was casual yet fashionable. He supposed it would have to do.

He couldn't help but be nervous—his first-ever date was in 20 minutes. He wasn't sure what had possessed that girl (Emilia, he remembered) to ask him out, but he was free tonight and he figured he had nothing better to do, so he'd agreed, a little flustered. I mean, what kind of person sat the next table over in a café and decided their restaurant neighbor was dateworthy? She didn't know anything about him (she wouldn't want to, he clarified to himself, but pushed that thought away). What if he'd had a girlfriend or boyfriend already? Honestly, he had no idea how girls' minds worked.

He turned around, reaching for the jacket he was going to wear, which he'd left on his hotel bed, but...

He sighed. Speaking of not knowing how girls' minds worked...

"All right," he said in a resigned tone. "Which one of you stole my jacket."

From the closet he heard muffled giggling. Nanika, then. Alluka would have been waving it in front of his face, sticking out her tongue.

Killua stalked towards the closet, taking care that his footsteps made no sound on the olive carpet. When he'd reached the door, he slowly lifted one arm...and then flung open the door suddenly. Nanika squealed, half in delight and half in surprise, trying in vain to hide herself among the empty coat hangers.

"I can still see you," he informed her, reaching in and extracting his sister from her hiding place.

She giggled again. "I have Killua's jacket," she reminded him cheekily, holding it behind her back.

"Yes," he agreed. "I'm a little unsure as to _why_ you have my jacket, but you certainly do have it."

"Cold," Nanika said unconvincingly, faking a shiver.

"No it's not; it's just the temperature we like and you know it," Killua disagreed, shaking his head and smiling. He knew his sister was just trying to get some attention from him, and he couldn't really blame her—he'd been preoccupied about this date all day, after all, and she had probably felt a little upstaged. "I'm sorry I've been kind of distant today, Nanika. I promise to spend all day with you and Alluka tomorrow, so will you give my jacket back now?" He extended a hand, waiting.

She smiled at him sweetly. "'Kay," she acquiesced, returning the lightweight black jacket to him at last.

He ruffled her hair fondly. "That's a good girl," he told her. Nanika looked overjoyed. "Will you be okay here for a couple hours?" he asked her for what must have been the fourth time.

"I will be fine," his sister assured him confidently. "I draw." Recently, following Killua's buying her a set of colored pencils and a sketchbook, Alluka and Nanika had taken up drawing, mostly landscapes. They were all strange places Killua had never seen before, with exotic-looking plants and oddly-colored skies. Killua often wondered if they were real places that she'd seen in books, or if they were places she'd only dreamed up. Maybe both.

In any case, her pictures usually did a good job of keeping her occupied, so he shot her a smile. "Okay, then," he said with the air of someone who is trying to talk themselves into doing something, pulling on his jacket. "Date time. No big deal. People go on dates all the time..." Except he didn't.

"Killua be good!" Nanika chirped, waving at him as he opened the door to leave.

He smiled back at her over his shoulder. "Am I ever anything but?"

***

“Sorry,” Killua puffed, finally reaching the table where his date was waiting. He’d taken a wrong turn somewhere (Swaldani City had so many lookalike restaurants it was hard to differentiate them), and was now 10 minutes late. “Were you waiting long?”

The girl—Emilia—smiled up at him, her large brown eyes friendly. “Not at all,” she assured him. “I’m flattered that you seemed to have run the whole way, though.”

Killua cleared his throat awkwardly and then flopped into the chair opposite Emilia. She smiled at him again, glancing up at him through her lashes, before hiding behind her menu. Killua took that as his cue to look over his own menu as well. He stood it in front of his face, occasionally peeking over the top to glance at the girl sitting across from him.

She was older than him, he was pretty sure. Killua had just turned 17, but he thought this girl was probably at least a year older. She had dark hair that fell to her shoulders, sun-kissed skin, and a sprinkling of freckles across her nose. Her eyes, perusing the list of pretentious-sounding dishes, were the color of cinnamon. She wasn’t unpleasant to look at by any means, especially not in that blue blouse and white pants.

Her eyes flitted up and met his, and he quickly averted his gaze. “Like what you see?” she said mischievously.

“Oh, um, I haven’t really checked out all the options yet,” Killua answered, looking at his menu more deliberately.

She giggled. “I meant me.”

“Wha...oh! Oh, um, yes, you look really nice,” he complimented belatedly. Luckily for him, she seemed to find his inexperience endearing.

“And yourself,” she said back, and then closed her menu. “I think I’ll get the chicken salad. What about you?”

He made a thoughtful humming noise, still looking over the choices. Spaghetti looked good, but he wasn’t exactly the most well-mannered eater, and if she saw the way he slurped it, she’d probably run screaming. He mentally eliminated that option, then. His eyes widened when he flipped the menu over to the back and saw all the dessert options. Was it unacceptable to go to a nice restaurant and only order dessert? Oh, who was he kidding; it probably was. No matter how many plaintive noises his stomach made as his gaze roved over the devil’s food cake and gourmet ice cream. He supposed he’d have to choose something more standard. Unfortunately, most of the stuff on this menu looked like gibberish.

“What is...” he squinted. “Contre-fillet?” He’d probably messed up the pronunciation on that, but he showed her the menu item anyway.

“Oh, that’s just a steak, basically,” she said after a quick glance.

“Oh,” said Killua, pleased. “Well, I’ll have that, then. Can’t really go wrong with something that standard.”

She laughed. “I’d have to disagree with you on that one, but I’m glad you enjoy them.”

Finally, a waiter wandered over and pulled out a notepad. “Are you ready to order, sir and miss?”

“Yes, we are,” Emilia said smoothly. “I’ll have the grilled chicken salad provencal with an iced water.” The waiter scribbled that down at a seemingly impossible speed. Killua was about to open his mouth to place his own order, but then Emilia said, “And he’ll have the contre-fillet, medium well, and...” She glanced at him. “What are you having to drink?”

“Um,” Killua said, taken aback by how she’d correctly predicted how he wanted his steak cooked. That seemed an oddly-specific sort of fortune telling. “Do you have root beer here?” he finally asked, recovering a bit.

The waiter frowned and wrinkled his nose a little, like root beer wasn’t fancy enough for him or something, but said “Certainly, sir” as he scrawled it down and then bustled away.

Emilia watched him go, and then turned back to face Killua, her dark hair flipping around her face. “Did you see the face he made when you said ‘root beer’?” she whispered, not being able to keep the laughter out of her voice. “Man, what’s his problem?”

“Yeah, I saw it,” he responded, grinning. “I’m just surprised he can walk away from us that fast with that stick up his ass,” he quipped, and then immediately regretted his words, because crap, that wasn’t how you were supposed to talk around a woman, was it?

To his surprise, Emilia just bent further over the table, placing her hand on his (Killua only jumped a little bit) and laughed. “Oh my gosh.” She laughed a little more, and then snorted. The laughter stopped immediately as her hands flew to her mouth, covering it, obviously embarrassed at the sound that had just escaped.

Killua grinned even wider. Her laughter was infectious. The way her brown eyes sparkled with mirth made something long-buried stir inside him, a memory he’d tried to put out of his mind for so long. Suddenly hit with the nostalgic feeling, he closed his eyes as a familiar face flashed through his mind. A face that also had tan skin accented with dark hair and big brown eyes and a splash of freckles across the nose—

He shook himself mentally. Dammit, he was here on a _date._ With a _pretty girl._ Why could he never just put those memories out of mind? With an unpleasant jolt, he realized why Emilia’s face had been so pleasing to him, and he felt disgusted with himself. How was it that even when that person wasn’t around, he still seemed to be everywhere around Killua?

He must have been staring sadly at the burgundy tablecloth, because Emilia started waving a hand in front of his face. “Killua?” she said, sounding concerned. “Are you all right?”

“Wha—oh, yeah, I’m fine,” he mumbled, snapping back to reality. But when he lifted his eyes to meet hers and could only see Gon’s worried face looking back at him, he had to admit to himself that he really wasn’t.

* * *

Gon Freecss was never what one might call a very organized person, but he _was_ single-minded, so if he decided there was something he wanted, nothing and no one could get in his way. It was how he’d faced every problem he went up against: want something badly enough to knock down those obstacles, and the power to do so would surely come.

What, then, was he supposed to do when he didn’t know what to knock down obstacles for anymore?

He sighed heavily and pulled his Hunter’s License out of his pocket for what seemed like the eighth time since this morning. It was mostly the same as it had always looked, but the big difference was in the text at the top.

 _Gon Freecss,_ it read. _Single Star Hunter._

He’d thought if he had something to work towards again, something to aim for, he would finally find the direction he was meant to go in life. But here it was in his hands, his latest great accomplishment, and he felt every bit as empty as before. He stared at the small card as he walked. How many people had died trying to get one of these? How many people worked their whole lives to even get the chance to try for one? He really should be satisfied just having earned this thing.

But it meant nothing to him, really. It was a bit of plastic, a badge that said a lot about _what_ he was and nothing about _who_ he was, because nobody knew _who_ he was. Heck, _he_ didn’t much know who he was anymore.

As he waited for the traffic signal at the end of the street leading away from the Hunters’ Association, he thought—not for the first time—that there was only one person who’d ever really known him as well as he did himself. And if that person wasn’t around anymore, who was he supposed to be?

The crosswalk lit up. “Walk,” it said, in orange letters. He guessed that was all he could do for now.

So he did. He jogged across the intersection, slipping the Hunter’s License back into his pocket. He might as well keep walking, because he didn’t feel like going back to his hotel just yet, and the evening was young.

The first time he’d been in Swaldani City, he had been a withered husk, a broken shell swirling with so much vestigial aura that he’d sent the most daring _nen_ exorcists running. Someone had made a miracle happen to save him, even though he’d hurt that person deeply. And then he was alive again, somehow, running around just like before, still relentlessly pursuing his goal and utterly clueless about how his previous actions had affected the person who mattered the most to him.

He didn’t think he would ever understand what transpired during the time he lay immobile in that hospital bed. All he knew was that life—his second chance at it, his chance to not waste it and abuse it—was never the same afterward. He’d lost the presence of two things he’d come to rely on: His personal strength, his _nen;_ and his best friend.

His heart gave a familiar pang at the thought of Killua. Over time and after much training, struggling, and stubborn refusals to give in (par for the course with him), he’d recovered most of his ability to use _nen._ But his relationship with Killua had not made the same recovery. He’d tried to reach out to the other boy countless times during their first year of separation, and had only received maybe two messages in response. This past year, the second year without Killua, Gon had decided to give up contacting him. He’d never give up on their friendship, but it seemed like Killua was busy (busy protecting his sister, busy helping others, busy _never letting Gon fix things_ ), so he’d resigned himself to the painful silence until the former assassin reached out to him.

Sometimes he’d dream about being on a journey with Killua again. Watching the stars from Whale Island. Climbing trees and poking out of the uppermost branches to look at how far down the ground was. Training from dawn till dusk, trusting him to give it his all and meet each of his strikes. Staying in so many hotels that they all blurred together after a while. Laying close to him at night, opening one eye to sneak a peek at pale moonlit cheeks beneath an unruly mop of silver hair. The last kind was the worst, because for a few moments after waking he would look around the darkened room, wondering where Killua had gone ( _he was right here a second ago,_ his sleep-fuzzy mind always said).

The black-haired boy frowned sadly as he walked up the street leading towards the park. Even after over a year, he could still recall his best friend’s face perfectly. The crystal blue eyes, sometimes clear and full of wonder and other times narrowed and intimidating. The way his hair never laid flat, but always kept the exact same level of untidiness, as if possessing its own carefully-controlled gravity. The way his cheeks glowed pink whenever Gon said anything complimentary or sentimental—

Gon stopped in his tracks, his heart seeming to stop as well. He was finding it especially easy to recall Killua’s face today. In fact, he didn’t even need to.

Because Killua was right on the other side of that restaurant window, sitting at a table with a girl whose hand covered his.


	2. Out in the Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua's date goes about as well as it could have gone. Gon makes a phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowie, I meant to post this yesterday but I got too tired to do so laksldfk. Please enjoy this chapter of both boys being disasters, and also some subtle Leopika.  
> This chapter is really short, so I'm sorry about that, but hopefully there's still enough content to be enjoyable. Next chapter will actually have Gon and Killua meeting again, so look forward to that!!

As soon as he saw the girl put her hand on Killua’s, a weird feeling swept over Gon. The joy he’d initially felt upon seeing his best friend, the desire to run in and call out to him, seemed to trip and flip-flop into something empty and painful. She was attractive, he noted absently. Black hair, tanned skin, a modest blouse that nonetheless exposed her slender neck. Who was she? What was Killua doing with her?

Killua was listening to her with apparent interest, occasionally smiling or laughing. She, on the other hand, was smiling constantly, leaning forward to engage him more, giggling at most of the things Killua was saying.

The feeling in Gon’s gut changed again, this time to a mixture of nausea and worry. When had this person become important? Why did she get to listen to Killua talk and make him smile when he, his best friend, had not seen him in over a year? He couldn’t understand it.

Not for the first time, especially recently, the young Hunter found himself at a loss for what action to take.

He ran away, something he hadn't done in a long time.

* * *

“—So then my brother said, ‘Now I know why they call it the ICU!’”

Killua snorted into his root beer, hastily putting the glass down before he could spill it as he thumped his chest and coughed out a bit more laughter. Emilia had just been telling him about her brother, who worked at a hospital, and though Killua had always thought of a hospital as a rather depressing setting, it seemed Emilia’s brother had no shortage of amusing tales with which he’d regaled his sister.

“Careful, don’t choke,” Emilia giggled.

“Little late for that,” he answered hoarsely, but he was smiling.

It kind of surprised him how well he’d gotten along with Emilia. She seemed bright and optimistic, and her life sounded simple and uncomplicated—mundane, even. It was almost reassuring to the ex-assassin that there did yet exist people in this world whose lives were not driven by killing or revenge, a mission to protect the world, or quests to save someone precious. Some people, like the brown-eyed girl on the other side of the table, just struggled with deciding what to study in school. It was refreshing.

Outside, night had begun to fall. He glanced outside and wondered if Alluka and Nanika were doing all right. His sisters had grown up considerably since leaving home, but they were still quite naive, and their too-trusting nature was often worrisome to Killua.

“Something wrong?” his date inquired softly, and the teenage Hunter whipped his head back around to inside the restaurant, to the pretty girl in front of him, the way the candlelight (for their stuffy waiter had brought a candle when the light outside began to fade) made her skin flicker with rosy red and bright orange.

“No, uh…” he said unconvincingly. He shook his head. “Just…thinking about my own siblings.” He turned his gaze to the candle between them, feeling awkward with just staring at her face.

“Oh, you’ve got siblings too, huh?” Emilia asked with interest.

“Yeah, but they don’t tell me fun work stories like yours does. Work stories from my family would be pretty dismal.”

She smiled playfully, cocking her head slightly. “Funeral home-dismal, math teacher-dismal, or organized crime-dismal?”

Killua might have winced a little. She wasn’t that far off the mark, really, though those in his former profession conducted themselves with more dignity than those bozos in the mafia had, in his opinion. But there was a difference between being good at your job and losing sight of the magnitude of taking a life. He was glad he’d left the Zoldyck family trade before the line had become too blurred for him to see anymore.

“Um…” Emilia’s timid voice broke his reverie. He looked up from inadvertently scowling at the candle flame to see that the smile had melted off her face. She bit her lip. “I-I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “It’s obvious that I said something insensitive just now, so…”

“Oh, uh, no, don’t worry about it,” the silver-haired boy brushed off her apology with what he thought was convincing nonchalance. He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms behind his head casually (which probably wasn’t appropriate etiquette for this restaurant, but who cared, really? Not Killua). “Suffice it to say that the family trade wasn’t for me, so I ducked out.”

She nodded, seeming to feel a little more at ease now. “There’s nothing wrong with being good at different things than your family,” she decided.

“Actually, I was great at it,” Killua said with a shrug, and then immediately regretted it, because Emilia looked highly distressed, no doubt believing she’d said something rude again. “It’s okay, really,” he said quickly as she opened her mouth to apologize. “Family’s a complicated subject. Why don’t we talk about something else?” he suggested.

“You’re right, I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to get so personal!” she stammered. He just shrugged in response, so she fidgeted with her nails for a moment before asking, “So…what do you do in your free time?”

“Go for walks. Work out. Sleep. Eat junk food. Maybe some video games now and then,” he answered, rattling them off without much thought. She nodded, leaning forward with interest, and he couldn’t help finding it strange. His pastimes really weren’t very fascinating. I mean, who listed _sleeping_ among their hobbies?

“I like reading,” Emilia volunteered, since Killua didn’t seem like he would ask her in kind. “And listening to music. Oh, and writing!” She laughed a little awkwardly. “Though my work is a little weird, so I don’t often share it…” She ran a hand through her hair and played with the dangly blue earring hanging from her lobe in a kind of nervous habit.

“Cool,” he said. What else was he supposed to say? “I’m sure whatever you write, there are people who will like it. You shouldn’t be afraid to share something if you’re proud of it.” Yes. That sounded good.

“Thanks!” she replied brightly. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and looked up at him through her lashes. “I also like to eat,” she added, her eyes twinkling. The young Hunter blinked. “So, if you want to indulge me and take me to another restaurant sometime…”

He could feel his cheeks flush. “Uh, I guess I could do that,” he said, embarrassed. The way she was fluttering her eyelashes at him did weird things to his stomach. Weird, unpleasant things.

“And, you know…” her voice was softer, making him have to lean a little closer to hear her, “I like going for walks, too, so maybe a walk together is in order as well?”

“Um…” he began, but before he could say any more, he felt something warm brush up against his leg.

His reaction was the exact opposite of what a stealthy, imposing ex-assassin would be expected to do. He yelped, startled, and jumped spectacularly, flailing his arms enough to inadvertently knock over the candle between them. Before she could move it away, the tipped candle had lit Emilia’s sleeve on fire, and she too yelped and began flailing before doing the sensible thing and pouring out the remainder of her glass of water onto it.

The silence that followed was a long one, during which Killua realized that: a) the thing that had touched his leg had been his date’s own leg; b) Emilia had been flirting with him; and c) all the other couples around them were staring at the two kids by the window who had both just squawked and floundered around in a disruptive and indecorous manner. For a split second he felt his cheeks burning with shame, but when he glanced at Emilia, her face crumpled in a grin and she leaned her forehead on her fingertips.

“Pffff,” she sputtered. “That was the most hilariously overblown reaction I’ve _ever_ seen to Footsie,” she chuckled, shoulders shaking with laughter she was attempting to keep quiet.

He wanted to be angry with her for embarrassing him like that, but...it had been him who had done the really embarrassing part. He glanced around at the restaurant, and everyone whose eyes met his hastily turned their gazes from him. How much had they even seen? Did they know _why_ he and Emilia had been thrashing around, or had their attention been drawn by panicked squawking out of the blue and held by Emilia’s attempts to extinguish her blouse?

Before he knew it, his face had broken into a smile and he was covering his laughter with one hand as well. “Y’know, it…it really looks better that way anyway,” he choked, gesturing to the blackened spot on her sleeve.

She stuck her tongue out at him. “You owe me a dinner for this, mister,” she teased.

“Fine, deal,” he conceded.

The rest of the date went without incident, and after they’d made plans to meet up again the day after tomorrow, Killua walked away from her in a relatively good mood. Emilia was energetic, fun to be around, and personable, and her smile bright and warm.

The young Hunter jammed his hands in his pockets and looked up at the stars as he recalled someone else who shared those characteristics, and a familiar pang resonated in his chest. Emilia’s smiles, though pretty, had not made answering smiles arise unbidden on his face. Her laughter, delightful as it was, had not made something dazzling and tender spread within him. Her touch, uninvited but not entirely unwelcome, did not send a shiver of longing through his heart.

She made him feel none of the things he had felt when he had traveled with Gon Freecss.

He wondered sometimes if those sensations were lost forever.

* * *

Leorio answered on the third ring. "Hello?" came the familiar voice.

"Leorio!" Gon wailed at him, half-relieved and half-miserable.

"Whoa, whoa," Leorio said, his voice a little further away. He'd probably held the phone further away from his ear after Gon's loud greeting. "Gon? Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm okay," he assured him. "Well, actually, I don't really know if I am? Something's happened," he explained, "and I don't know what to think about it."

"Well, what happened?"

"Is that Gon?" a softer, familiar voice said from a distance. "What's wrong?"

Gon felt a surge of warmth hearing both their voices. "Kurapika?" he asked. "Hi, Kurapika!"

Leorio sighed. "Should I put you on speaker so you can talk to both of us?"

Gon was about to say "yes," but then thought about it a moment. "No," he decided. "That's okay. It's...nothing urgent," he admitted. He flopped on his bed, curling his knees up to his chest and leaning back against the headboard.

"It must have been urgent enough, since you're calling me," Leorio pointed out. "Now are you going to tell me what happened, or is Kurapika going to have to trick you into spilling?"

"I do not _trick_ people into telling me things," Kurapika said stiffly.

"Kurapika, I'm sorry, you're pretty much a champion at that," Leorio informed him in an offhand manner. "Now," he continued before the Kurta could protest, "Gon. Explanation."

"Right," Gon said, already feeling a little better hearing his friends bicker just like they used to."Um, well, I'm in Swaldani City to get my Single Star Hunter certification," he started.

"Really?" crowed Leorio, sounding impressed. "That's great!"

"Yeah!" Gon said somewhat hurriedly, not wanting to get off-track. "Um, anyway, I just found out Killua's here in Swaldani too."

"Is he getting his certification as well?"

"Um, I'm not sure." He adjusted the phone against his ear, holding it in place with his shoulder and scuffing the covers with one socked foot. "I didn't talk to him."

A brief silence followed. "Why not?" Leorio finally prompted.

"I was kind of, I mean, well, he didn't exactly...see me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I saw him on a date with some girl!" Gon finally blurted.

An even longer silence greeted this.

"So?" Leorio said at last. There was a sound like a soft _thump_ , and then Leorio was mumbling " _Owww_ , you didn't have to hit me."

"I did not hit you. I swatted your shoulder."

Gon didn't know what to think about that, but before he could comment, Leorio was speaking again. "Um, is there some reason this warranted any kind of reaction? Was she a monster or something?"

"No, nothing like that," Gon admitted. "I just...um..." The longer this conversation went on, the more he began to feel like calling Leorio had been stupid and unnecessary. What right did he even have to be upset? "I don't know," he finally said lamely, his shoulders slumping a little (he hastened to readjust the phone, since this caused it to slip slightly). "I haven't talked to Killua in a while and...I guess it just kind of shocked me."

"Let me talk to him," Kurapika's voice said, and then, louder, he continued, "Gon, you don't even know the situation, from the sound of it. Are you certain that what you saw was even a date?"

"Well, she kept putting her hand on his, so yeah, pretty sure," Gon muttered, sounding a lot more surly about it than he'd intended.

"Oh," Kurapika said with mild surprise. "Uh, in that case...why was this shocking to you?"

"I..." Gon had nothing to say to that. "I don't know. I didn't like it. She doesn't know him. I haven't seen him in more than a year and she gets to go places with Killua and make him laugh. It doesn't seem fair."

"Gon," the Kurta's voice was patient but slightly chiding, a tone he'd heard countless times from Aunt Mito. "You don't really get to decide what is 'fair' in Killua's life. I'm not sure why he fell out of touch with you lately, but..." He paused, and continued in a measured, careful tone that suggested he spoke from experience. "I'm sure he had his reasons for distancing himself."

"That doesn't make me feel better," Gon informed him.

"I am not saying this to make you feel better," Kurapika reminded him. "I am saying this so you might understand Killua's feelings a little better. If it's space he needs, give him space."

"Don't tell him that!" Leorio's voice said. There was a brief scuffling noise, no doubt Leorio attempting to take the phone back again, and then the older man spoke again. "Gon, Killua is your best friend, and you are his. No matter what weird stuff goes on in your own individual lives, the past you shared together will always connect you. If stuff like this is bothering you, don't just let it keep spiraling out of control without your understanding why it's happening. Talk to him. Even if you have to keep trying over and over, even if it takes a long time, even if you don't know if you'll ever get through, keep trying." Leorio paused briefly, and when he continued, he sounded a bit emotional. "Because he's important to you, and... if I know Killua at all, you're important to him, too. You always will be."

Gon didn't say anything for a minute. His friend sounded so passionate and confident, so certain of everything he was saying. He got the feeling that Leorio had been in this position before, and suddenly Gon felt like he had accidentally gotten a glimpse into the relationship between the two on the other end of the line that he'd never seen before.

"Leorio..." said Kurapika, and Gon had trouble discerning whether his tone was of sadness or surprise.

"Find out where he's staying," Leorio said. "Hunt him down with that nose of yours if you have to, if he won't answer his phone or his email. _Talk to him._ It doesn't matter if you don't know what's bothering you exactly. I'm sure you guys will figure it out and get everything out in the open."

"Be respectful of Killua's choices and decisions, but don't be afraid to tell him how you feel about things either," Kurapika advised.

"Yes," Leorio agreed. "Does that help?"

"Yeah," Gon said. "It really, really does." His heart felt full to bursting with affection for his two friends. "Thanks, you guys. I know how busy you are, and it means a lot to me that you're still willing to pick up the phone for something silly like this."

"I'm always gonna pick up the phone for you, Gon," Leorio assured him. "For any of you three," he corrected, his voice warm, fond.

"Thank you," Gon said again, and couldn't keep the smile off his face. "Take care, both of you."

"We will," Leorio and Kurapika said together, and then the call was ended. Gon's smile changed into something a little sadder, wondering when in the world Leorio and Kurapika had started to be more in synch than Gon and Killua.

* * *

The young woman’s blue kitten-heels clicked smartly on the pavement, her steps determined and impassive. She shivered in the evening chill, and pulled her half-length parka tighter around herself. When she arrived at the street corner, she turned, hiding herself in an alley between two large buildings as she pulled out her cell phone and quickly dialed a number.

The person on the other end answered before the first ring was even up. The young woman spoke first, knowing the other never liked to be the first to talk. “I’ve made contact,” she reported.

“Good work,” replied the other person, in a garbled tone distorted by a voice scrambler. “I knew I could count on you, Miss Alling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week will be the last chapter that I have pre-written in its entirety, so if anyone wants to beg me to write more to boost my motivation, please feel free (I'm like 70% kidding).


	3. Different Circumstances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last, a reunion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said last chapter, this is the last one that is fully written! Thank you endlessly to those who commented last chapter and especially to poeticlump, who put this fic on their Killugon Fic Library tumblr!! I can't even express how much that means to me. Thanks to your encouragement, I've been binge-watching the series again in an attempt to remind myself of everything I knew about HxH when I started writing this 4 years ago. I never thought I would actually be writing more of it, but it looks like that is what is happening!!
> 
> So far only a few more sentences have been added, but I also had the beginning and end of chapter 4 written in 2015, so at least I have some framework! Please be patient with me and continue to support this fic. It would mean a lot to me if you all remained enthusiastic about it! It makes all the difference in the world <333

The hotel room was dark when Killua arrived, which sent a brief surge of panic through him before he’d flipped on the lights and his eyes fell upon a note on the small circular table, written in Alluka’s bubbly scrawl. _“Gone to the hot tub!_ ” it said. “ _Don’t worry about me, onii-chan! I’ll be back by 11. If I’m not, THEN you can worry. :3 xoxo, Alluka._ ” He breathed a sigh of relief as he flung his jacket over the back of one of the chairs at the table. Alluka was a smart girl; she knew better than to hang around when situations were starting to look dangerous. The last few times he’d disregarded her assurances that she would be fine and rushed to her “rescue,” Alluka had been none too pleased.

“How am I s’posed to grow up if you never _let_ me, onii-chan?” she’d say, her pale cheeks puffing out in a pout that was way more adorable than it needed to be. “You need to let _me_ worry about _me_ once in a while, so _you_ have time to worry about _you.”_ He supposed he couldn’t argue with that. Alluka didn’t talk about it much, but Killua knew that his sister was all too aware of how ignorant she’d been of the outside world when they’d first left home. She had looked at everything—ugly things and beautiful things alike—with the same childlike wonder, the same openness (it reminded Killua uncomfortably of Gon). She had adjusted rapidly to living on the outside, her older brother thought, and if she wanted time to herself to grow as a person in the way she never could when she’d been cooped up in a single toy-filled, brightly-colored room, who was he to deny her?

So it was with only mild reluctance that Killua settled himself on his bed and stared at the ceiling. After a few moments, he wondered how upset Alluka would be if he went to retrieve her an hour early.

Before he could contemplate it further, his phone rang in his jacket pocket, startling him a bit. It wasn’t often he got calls anymore. Occasionally he got an update from Leorio or Kurapika about their progress in the Dark Continent expedition, but the only other person who had his number was—

He scrambled up from the bed and pulled his phone out of the jacket. The name on the screen only confirmed his suspicions.

 _He hasn’t tried to call me in months,_ Killua thought in a mild state of panic and confusion. _Why now? Did something happen?_ The possibility was motivation enough. He pressed the button to accept the call. His hands were shaking when he raised the phone to his ear, but he said in the most controlled voice he could: “Hello?”   
  
" _KILLUA!!_ " Good lord, Killua almost dropped the phone at the joyful shout. His voice was filled with the same easy affection and exuberance Killua remembered. Gon would never change, would he? Killua shook his head, but couldn't help the smile that crept across his face. Dammit, he wasn't supposed to make him smile that easily anymore.

"Gon," he said back, allowing himself to savor saying the name again. Just a little. "What brought this on?"

"I miss you!" Gon whined. "I’m so glad you picked up! I can’t believe it!” A wave of guilt swept over Killua, but he forced it down. It had been for their own good, he reminded himself. Gon had had things to do, and he himself had had to protect Alluka, and it was only natural that they’d drift apart with time.

He was snapped out of his contemplation when Gon spoke again: “I haven't seen you in ages, and um… I'm in Swaldani City to get my Single Star Hunter certification—"

"Wait, you're in Swaldani City?" Killua interrupted, surprised. How had he not known that Gon was right here in the same city as he was? He began to pace between the small table in the corner of the room and the foot of Alluka's bed while he debated whether to tell the other boy his own location, but before he knew it, he was saying automatically, "I am too, actually. And Alluka."

"I know!" came the answering exclamation. Killua blinked, but said nothing. "Um," Gon continued, somewhat awkwardly, "I kinda...saw you."

Killua faltered at that. "You...what?" He stopped pacing. Wait. _Oh god. Oh god._

Gon laughed, sounding sheepish. "I was on my way out of the Hunters' Association, and… I happened to see you in that restaurant when I passed. But um, you seemed busy, so..." He trailed off, as if the rest of the sentence was too uncomfortable to say.

Killua flushed. Gon had seen him on his one and only date?! _Gon_ had seen him?! _God, I just can't catch a break,_ he thought with a sigh, massaging his temples. _How much did he see? Oh man, what if he saw the dumb way I jumped when she brushed her leg against mine under the table?!_

"Killua?" said his friend's voice over the line. He sounded concerned.

"Yeah, I'm here," he said hastily. "Sorry, I just..." He just what? Would rather Gon hadn't seen that? Hoped Gon wouldn't draw any strange conclusions?

Wished it had been Gon sitting with him at that table?

"You just...?" Gon prompted.

"I just didn't expect you to be in town," Killua invented. "I'm really only here for a few days because Alluka had never been here. We're actually planning on leaving within the week." Yes. That was safe to say. Alluka would be fine with going to a different city. He just couldn't tell her why, or she would start in on him with her whole "Why don't you be nicer to Gon-nii?!" spiel. His sister had instantly adored Gon upon meeting him (like brother, like sister, he thought bitterly), and still occasionally asked why her brother wasn’t meeting up with the other boy.

"No!” Gon said quickly to Killua’s last statement, and then seemed to reconsider, speaking more unsurely. “I mean, uh..." Killua was baffled by Gon's apparent dismay. Maybe something _had_ happened? "Couldn't I… see you before you go?” Gon said. “Please?"

 _I guess it had to happen sooner or later,_ Killua thought resignedly, beginning to pace again. _Maybe I'm ready to face him now. I mean, he_ is _still my best friend. I can't keep him away forever just because I have stupid feelings for him. Had,_ he corrected quickly. _Had feelings. I can't let him be the deciding factor in my happiness anymore._ He took a deep breath. _I can do this._

His voice betrayed none of his apprehension. "Of course, stupid," he drawled. "Did you really think I'd leave before that?" _Probably,_ he answered himself privately. _I haven't exactly made myself available to him as a friend lately. He probably wants to give me a piece of his mind about it._

However, Gon was laughing. "I guess not," he admitted. "Killua would never pass up an opportunity to see a friend!"

Killua chewed his lip. _Friend. Yes. That's what we are. Don't screw this up any more than you already have, Killua._ "So...when do you want to meet up?"

"Oh, um… I'm actually on my way right now."

The younger boy's mouth fell open as he stopped in his tracks. "What?! How can you be on your way? I didn't tell you where I'm staying!"

"Killua, you know I'd never forget your scent," Gon said, with the tone of an adult gently chiding their kid about neglecting to say "please."

"Gon, wait, I—" Dammit, he wasn't prepared yet! He wasn't ready to see Gon _right now,_ not when his head was still swirling with questions about how tonight's date had made him feel, with doubts about whether he'd ever be able to move on, with fear and longing and _god did his hair look okay?_

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Killua nearly jumped a foot in the air, he was so startled.

"Um, I'm here!" said Gon's voice, both over the phone and outside the door.

The silver-haired boy's heart thudded in his throat as he pressed the End Call button. Behind that door was the only person Killua had ever loved with everything he had (excepting, of course, Alluka and Nanika, but that love was quite different). Behind that door was also the only person who could utterly shatter Killua with a single word, and in fact had, once. On the other side of that door was someone Killua thought about every night before he slept, running through all the things he would say the next time they met; the motivation to keep going and find something he wanted to do for himself; the only other person Alluka had ever spontaneously hugged.

Every footstep felt like it was much louder than it should have been, and much slower. When he reached the doorknob, he opened it as casually as he could. What would he say first? Would—

"KILLUA!" Suddenly, he found himself colliding with a blur of green, the force knocking him back and making him lose his balance. He would have toppled over backward, except there was a pair of strong arms around his shoulders, holding him tight. "I missed you so much," Gon said, and he sounded like he meant it.

A blush heated up Killua's cheeks, a delayed reaction, and he awkwardly raised his own arms to pat Gon's back a couple times. "Yeah, um, you too," he mumbled. Gon clung to him tighter. Killua didn't know where to look. The ceiling? The freckles and tanned skin currently pressed against his cheek? The green fabric covering the arms wrapped around him (thankfully, it wasn't his old jacket—this seemed to be a new one, a darker green. He couldn't tell much else about it, though, since Gon had tackled him before he'd gotten a good look)? After a few moments of this, he cleared his throat and pushed against Gon's chest gently, indicating that he should let go. Gon did, but when he pulled away, Killua was somewhat surprised to see that his friend's eyes were shining with tears. "Whoa, what's wrong?" he said before he could stop himself. Old habits.

"Nothing is," Gon answered blissfully. "Nothing is wrong. I'm here, and my best friend Killua is here, and everything is good."

Killua's blush darkened. How did he _say_ stuff like that like it was nothing, especially when he hadn’t talked to or contacted Killua in months?! He shoved Gon's shoulder gruffly. "Idiot, that's embarrassing," he grumbled, and Gon laughed, and for a moment it was like they were 14 again and there had never been any distance between them. But then there was a silence that was heavy with something unfamiliar and uncomfortable, the air thick with unasked questions.

Gon sat on Killua's bed (Killua had no idea how he'd known which one was Killua's, but he apparently did) and just looked at him. Killua shuffled his feet with discomfort. Did he have to look at him so intently? He felt like Gon was taking a mental picture of him, and wished he'd checked his hair beforehand. The taller boy averted his eyes. "Stop staring," he said.

"Sorry, it's just, I haven't seen you in so long, and you look different," Gon explained with a shrug.

"No I don't," Killua protested. "You've seen these clothes before, and I haven't even changed my hair or anything."

"No, but you're taller, and older!" Gon reminded him. "You look more muscular, too."

Any second now, Killua's cheeks were going to catch on fire. "Shut up," he said, sitting down in the armchair opposite the bed. "What about you? Finally lost that green jacket you always had?"

"Oh!" Gon looked down at the forest green jacket, as if just realizing he was wearing it. "Yeah! I kinda outgrew the other one," he laughed. "So I bought this one instead. It's not quite the same, but it's good enough, I think." He was being modest, or, more likely, was completely oblivious to how good he looked. The color was flattering against his skin, darker than Killua's from all the sun, and he had it unzipped to show a black shirt underneath. Even with all of it covered, he could tell that Gon’s body had matured, too. His chest was broader, his arms sturdier. He'd swapped his trademark green shorts for a pair of khakis that came to just above his knees. Even his boots were different: They were only mid-calf length now, dark brown.

Killua realized he was staring, and mentally shook himself. "You're taller too," he pointed out. "I was trying to figure out how _much_ taller, but I can't with you sitting down." A smirk lifted one corner of his mouth. "I bet I grew way more than you did."

"Did not!" Gon predictably countered, and leapt off the bed. He planted himself right in front of the former assassin, no doubt wanting to check his height against Killua's. The other boy sighed and complied, rising from his chair.

It seemed pointless to do a real measurement, however, because Killua was easily able to see the top of the other Hunter's head. He laughed at the frustrated expression that creased Gon's brow. "Don't be a sore loser," the taller boy teased, patting Gon's spiky hair (at least that hadn't changed) patronizingly. "Just keep drinking your milk." It was almost uncanny how easily he fell back into behaving like nothing had ever gone wrong between them.

Gon made a sound halfway between a disappointed "awww!" and a growl as he swatted Killua's hands away. "I've still got time," he said, as if he could plot out his next growth spurt. He flopped back on Killua's bed, and then lay down on his back, his legs still hanging over the end.

"That's mine, you know," Killua informed him.

"You don't mind," Gon responded. Well, he had him there. Killua shrugged in agreement and sat down on the side of the bed, glancing over at his friend. Gon's bright, honey-brown eyes were staring up at him, moving over him, like he was trying to make up for all the days he hadn't seen Killua. The silver-haired boy averted his eyes, staring at the wall with his back to Gon, feeling his cheeks heat up again. "Where's Alluka?" Gon said after a moment.

"Hot tub," Killua responded. "She left a note. If she's not back by 11, I'm going to go get her. She stays in there for hours, I swear."

"I can't blame her," Gon said thoughtfully. "It's like a bubble bath for grownups. What's not to like?"

"I guess."

"Hey, Killua. Remember when we had bubble baths?" Gon asked, with a tone of nostalgia. As if Killua could ever forget something like that. "They were awesome. I miss that. Why is it frowned on for grownups to take bubble baths?"

Killua grabbed a pillow and swatted it over Gon's face, holding it there. "First of all, maybe don't talk about how we used to take baths together; it's kind of weird now. Second, you're not a grownup; you're a _teenager._ "

Gon flailed under the pillow playfully. Killua wasn't worried. He wasn't holding the pillow down forcefully, and Gon was more than capable of freeing himself. In fact, in a second he'd grabbed another pillow and swung it into the other boy's chest, causing him to nearly fall off the bed and grunt out an " _oof!_ " from the unexpected force.

"I let you hit me," Killua lied, straightening himself again on the bed and glaring down at his friend.

"Who's the sore loser now, Killua?" the brown-eyed boy sang, sticking out his tongue.

"Yeah, yeah," Killua conceded, rolling his eyes. "Look, did you come here to hit me with pillows or did you actually want to catch up?"

"Can't I do both?" Gon questioned, finally sitting up. The silver-haired boy scooted a little further up the bed, away from the other, suddenly realizing how close they were. His heart thudded clumsily in his chest.

“I guess I can fit you into my busy schedule,” Killua said with a tone of mock annoyance.

Gon smiled, but then seemed to remember something and averted his eyes. “Hey, Killua...” Uh-oh. When Gon “ _hey, Killua_ ”d him, he was usually about to say something embarrassing or hard to respond to. “Can I ask you a question?” He was staring at his knees. It must have been pretty important to him.

“That depends on what it is,” Killua answered warily.

The shorter boy nodded as if to say _that’s fair._ And then he confirmed Killua’s suspicions: “So...who was that girl?”

The question was quiet, almost reluctant, and Gon never met the other boy’s eyes as he asked it. Killua had known something like this was coming, but as usual, his friend’s straightforwardness amazed him. He decided it would be easiest to tell him just enough to get him off his back.

"Her name's Emilia," he admitted. "She asked me out yesterday. So I went."

"Oh," Gon said, evidently at a loss for what else to say. He seemed to have decided it was safe to look at Killua again, however, as he lifted his head for his next question."So… you haven't known her long?"

"Nope," Killua answered. "She just sat near me in a cafe, and I guess she decided sitting near me wasn't enough." He let a little bit of smugness seep into his tone. Maybe it hadn't been exactly mutual, but he felt a bit gratified that _someone_ had found him attractive.

Gon chuckled a little and rubbed the back of his neck. "Can't really blame her," he said. Killua's heart skipped a beat like a damn schoolgirl's. What did _that_ mean? _No,_ he told himself. _I'm done trying to analyze everything he says. It's over. Gon is never going to see me that way, and it's stupid to keep holding out for something impossible._ "When I saw you for the first time, I wanted to get to know you too. You had that skateboard and everything. You were so cool."

Killua sighed. The compliment still flustered him, but luckily it was a compliment he was used to hearing from Gon, so it didn't have quite as much of an effect. "I didn't have my skateboard this time, so I guess it must have just been me she was interested in," he said, shrugging carelessly.

To his somewhat bitter pleasure, Gon looked perturbed at that for a moment. The next second, however, his friend's familiar eager expression returned. "So, um, how did it go?" he asked, gripping the bed between his spread knees and leaning forward.

 _It went great,_ Killua thought dully. _She accidentally insulted me twice, I almost had a heart attack when she tried to play Footsie, and then I set her on fire._ "It was okay," he said instead, hoping he sounded convincing. "She was nice."

Gon looked like he had a hundred more questions. Part of Killua felt happy that he seemed so concerned, but the other part of him felt bothered. How was any of this his business? Gon hummed, as if choosing from all the potential questions he had in mind. "Do you think you'll see her again?" he finally decided on.

Killua turned away from the other boy, allowing some of his annoyance to show."Look, I don't really think that's any of your concern," he said bluntly. "I don't really talk about private matters to uninvolved parties.” Almost as soon as the words were out, Killua regretted them. He turned back slightly to glance at Gon, and sure enough, his friend looked hurt. Great. Now he was pushing Gon away even worse than he already had been by not responding to his calls or emails. "I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I just, it's embarrassing to talk about, y'know?"

Gon's expression, thankfully, smoothed out. "That's okay," he said. He always forgave Killua, even when—maybe especially when—he didn't deserve it. "I was being really nosy. Sorry, Killua. I just want to hear everything that's going on in your life and I thought this was an important place to start."

"What about you?" Killua said suddenly, the question having popped up unbidden. "Been on any dates lately?"

Gon had the audacity to laugh. "Not as many as before," he said. "Or… at all, really. I've been on the move a lot, so there's not really time to get to know people."

"I'll bet you had offers, though."

Gon grimaced, a little sheepish. "Maybe a few." Of course. The ladies loved Gon. He was amazing with them—sweet, thoughtful, complimentary, and chivalrous. Killua snorted. Those qualities had never been for Killua's benefit. Well, maybe the “sweet” and “complimentary,” on occasion.

"She invited me out again for Tuesday," Killua said finally. "I think I might go." Having dinner with Emilia hadn't been all horrible, after all. Maybe he just needed to give her a chance. It was a process, wasn’t it, deciding if you liked someone? He darted his eyes up to gauge Gon’s reaction. Surprisingly, he found it hard to read. The other boy’s brows were drawn together as if he was concerned, but one side of his mouth was drawn up in an awkward half-smile.

“That’s great, Killua,” Gon told him, but he didn’t sound particularly enthusiastic.

Before the taller boy could think of a reply, the door swung open, and his little sister announced her presence with a very contented sigh. “This place’s hot tub is even nicer than the last one…” she murmured blissfully. She shuffled into the room, no doubt about to tell Killua about her day at the hotel, when her eyes fell upon their guest.

“GON-NII?!” she squealed, making Killua jump a little, a wide smile lighting up her face.

“ALLUKA-CHAN!” Gon shouted back, equally enthusiastic, and as soon as he’d flung his arms open wide, Alluka had launched herself at him in a hug, both of them giggling. The older Zoldyck could almost see sparkles surrounding them. Any moment now they’d have to admit Killua to a hospital for a diabetic coma.

He cleared his throat quietly, and his best friend relinquished his hold on his sister. She kicked off her fluffy slippers, pushing them under the bed with the side of her foot, before leaping back onto the bed to sit next to Gon. Killua only felt a little betrayed.

“Onii-chan, why didn’t you tell me Gon-nii was visiting?!” Alluka demanded, her face scrunching up in that pout of hers.

“Because I didn’t know he would be until he was here,” Killua responded honestly.

“Sorry I didn’t give you guys more of a warning,” Gon said a little sheepishly, running a hand through his spiky hair. “I didn’t want you to leave before I got the chance to see you.”

“Don’t worry!” Alluka assured him sweetly. “We’ll be here a while, so you two have plenty of time to catch up!” She shot her brother a dangerous look, her eyes narrowing. “ _Right,_ onii-chan?”

How could someone so cute look so intimidating? “Uh… right…” Killua agreed weakly. The scary look on the younger Zoldyck’s face vanished and she smiled brightly again. _Someday soon,_ the silver-haired teen thought, _I really should stop giving her everything she wants._ What could he say, though? He felt guilty that Alluka had gotten so few of the things she’d desired until recently, so he was only trying to make it up to her. Mostly. It might also have to do with the fact that he was just a sucker for his little sister.

“Really? I thought you were leaving in a few days,” Gon said. Alluka looked at Killua questioningly, but before he could make up an excuse, Gon had drawn the attention back to himself: “Well, anyway, I’m glad to hear it! Let’s all hang out the next couple of days, okay?”

“Yaaaay!” Alluka sounded plenty enthusiastic about it, glomming onto Gon’s arm as if afraid he’d slip out of their lives again. Killua sometimes wished he could be as open with his emotions as his sister was. Most of the time, though, he was glad he had restraint.

Unfortunately, he’d already made plans. And had Alluka forgotten that Killua had promised to spend tomorrow with her and Nanika? “Um, actually, I can’t hang out the day after tomorrow,” the taller boy informed them. When the other two prompted him with their curious looks, he continued. “I, uh. Actually made plans to see Emilia again on Tuesday.”

“Oh, that’s right, you mentioned something about that,” Gon remembered. He was smiling, but he’d averted his eyes. “That’s all right.”

Alluka scowled. “No it’s not!” she protested. She sent a glare in her big brother’s direction. “Onii-chan, how could you be so cruel?! Your very important person has come back for the first time in a really long time, and you run off with some _girl?_ Unacceptable!” She squeezed Gon’s arm tighter. “If you do that, I’ll just have to keep Gon-nii to myself all day.” With a small _hmph,_ she stuck her little nose up in the air, refusing to look at her offender.

Killua stumbled a little on nothing. Ouch. Betrayed by his own sister. “Alluka, I promised you and Nanika that I’d spend tomorrow with _you!_ ”

“Well Gon-nii can come along. Nanika says so too,” Alluka said obstinately, squeezing the black-haired boy’s arm again.

Gon chuckled a little awkwardly, gently prying the hands off his arm. “Now, now… it’s okay, Alluka. I’m just glad I get to see you both at all.”

 _Great. I definitely look like the bad guy here,_ Killua thought with a sigh. He’d agreed to see Emilia, and he didn’t want to back out. He kept his promises. But he didn’t want to disappoint Alluka either… “Fine. We can spend some time with Gon tomorrow,” he conceded.

The ecstatic expressions on his best friend’s and his sister’s faces were eerily similar. “I knew you wouldn’t be so coldhearted, onii-chan!” Alluka sighed admiringly.

“Of course! Killua is the most warmhearted person I know!” Gon gushed.

Killua felt his cheeks glowing again. Geez. No wonder he had trouble saying no to these two. “Yeah, yeah,” he muttered.

A mischievous grin crept across the younger Zoldyck’s face. “Hehe,” she giggled, “Onii-chan never blushes like that when _I_ compliment him.” She nudged the boy next to her in the side. “You must be special, Gon-nii.”

The black-haired boy looked surprised. “Really?”

“Totally!” his traitorous sister babbled. “And whenever he’s telling me stories about stuff you guys did together he gets this sweet little smile on his face and— _mmph-mfph!_ ” she struggled to keep prattling through the hand her brother had clamped over her mouth.

“THAT’S ENOUGH, ALLUKA!” Killua asserted loudly. His face felt like it could be used to roast marshmallows. Alluka giggled underneath his hand and flailed playfully. Gon was laughing too. Why did they have to gang up on him like this?

After everyone had calmed down a little, Alluka gave a huge sigh and fell backwards onto Killua’s pillow with a soft _thwump._ “I’m tired,” she announced. “I need my sleep if we’re going to play with Gon-nii tomorrow.” The two boys said nothing, so after a moment, she said more pointedly, “It’s time to say bye-bye for today.”

“Oh! Right,” the shorter Hunter said quickly. He got to his feet. “I’ll, um, I’ll be in touch!”

“Onii-chan, walk him out; don’t be rude,” the black-haired girl said, cracking open one big blue eye.

“Says the girl who’s using my bed,” Killua teased.

She stuck her tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes and followed Gon to the door.

“It’s really okay; I don’t—” Gon started, trying to be polite.

“Save it,” Killua cut him off, pushing open the door for his friend. “She always gets her way.” He called over his shoulder, “Get in your own bed before you fall asleep, you hear me?”

An exaggerated fake snore was his response as the door was closed.

* * *

“Alluka’s really grown,” Gon said quietly after a lull of silence. They were walking together down the darkened street, the sounds of nighttime insects and the occasional car the only interruptions to the quiet.

Under different circumstances, the atmosphere might have been romantic.

“Yeah. We all have,” Killua answered. Gon wasn’t sure why the taller Hunter was still accompanying him—he’d only expected him to go as far as the front lobby. They were almost all the way down the street leading up to the building by now.

Gon cut a glance over at the boy next to him. Even in the dim light from the various distant city lights, Killua’s eyes were bright. The other boy was right—they _had_ all grown. Seeing him again, it was as if no time had passed, and yet a lifetime had passed. The young man standing before him was his Killua, and at the same time someone completely unknown to him—this boy’s cheekbones were more angular, his neck thicker, his limbs more maturely proportioned. Did he look as different to Killua as Killua looked to him? He suddenly wished he’d been around to see those changes happen firsthand, to see all the experiences alongside him that had made him grow into this person next to him.

“I tried to keep in contact with you,” he finally said softly. He hadn’t wanted to bring it up before, but somehow saying it out here, with the darkness to swallow up the weight of the words, felt a little safer. “You stopped answering, and eventually I just…” He trailed off and shook his head.

The other Hunter sighed, looking straight ahead instead of at Gon. “I know,” he said. “I was trying to keep a low profile because my family was still after Alluka, and then I had to get another phone number because they were using it to track me…”

Gon nodded. He’d heard the explanation before. It was the same one his friend had given him in the only return e-mail he’d received over the past two years. “I understand,” he assured the other teen. “I just… wish you’d trusted me enough to keep me in the loop.”

Killua’s head jerked to the side to stare at him, his eyes suddenly intense. “It had nothing to do with not trusting you!” he said, surprising Gon a little with the earnestness in his voice. “No matter what happens, you will always have my trust, just as you promised I would always have yours.” Gon didn’t know how to respond to the impassioned statement, so he merely returned his friend’s gaze. Seeming to suddenly realize he was staring, Killua’s cheeks flushed almost imperceptibly and he turned his face away. “Forget it…” he muttered, embarrassed. Gon couldn’t help but smile. The other boy was just as bashful about sentiment as always.

Under different circumstances, the moment might have been romantic.

Another silence fell as they trudged down the street. Gon looked down at their feet, matching his stride to those of the boy at his side. Even their feet had grown, he noticed. How many places had those feet, keeping pace with his own, been that Gon had not? How far away from him had those feet carried him, the most important person in Gon’s world? Killua’s hand was dangling by his side, unclenched and relaxed. The shorter boy felt a sudden urge to reach out and hold it. He wondered if Killua would let him. Before he could entertain the idea further, however, the footsteps beside him stopped. Gon stopped walking a pace or two after, turning to look back.

A gentle breeze picked up at that moment, playing through his friend’s silver hair, making the tips of it sway along with his open shirt collar. His eyes were locked onto Gon’s, and the brown-eyed boy felt reluctant to break the gaze. He felt as if he couldn’t let Killua out of his sight again. He had come too close to losing him, and now that he was back, right by his side, Gon was stricken with the thought that he would do anything to keep him there.

Under different circumstances, the feeling might have been romantic.

He found himself at a loss for words. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he managed to get out anyway. His voice sounded as if it came from a stranger, quiet and impassive.

“Yeah,” Killua responded in kind. He turned and began to make his way back up the street, leaving Gon staring after him.

Under different circumstances, the pang in his heart as he watched him go might have been romantic.

Maybe under these ones, even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read this and enjoyed it, feel free to drop a comment. I'm trying my hardest to make sure this fic doesn't go unfinished <333


	4. A Way Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shopping trip and a date, both of them unfulfilling to one Killua Zoldyck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow!! A few days ago, if someone had told me I'd be posting Chapter 4 of this today, I would have laughed in their face. But after a few encouraging messages from people who wanted to see this story continue, I managed to push through those walls holding me back from finishing the scenes that were missing from this chapter, so here we are! Chapter 5 is 90% done as well, so I hope to have that up for you in the near future too! 
> 
> To anyone who remembers this story, was looking for it, or told me they loved it: Thank you so much for being patient with me. I love you. <3333

“So where are we going today?” Gon asked brightly when the two Zoldycks emerged from the hotel lobby. He didn’t really care what the answer was. He just wanted to know what direction to start walking first.

“The shopping district!” Alluka answered resolutely, marching up to him. She had pulled her thick hair back into a huge, low-hanging ponytail, though the two strands in front still remained, decorated with her unique round hair ornaments. Her wardrobe had been changed up as well—today she wore a flowery pink top with a maroon hoodie over it. Its sleeves looked far too long for her. The black skirt that completed the ensemble was ruffly, and fell to her knees, but her legs were further covered by black knee-highs and the red shoes Gon remembered her wearing when they'd first met. Gon was in no way an authority on fashion, but he was pretty sure that her outfit could be summed up as “cute.”

Killua joined them, hands in his pockets as usual, his rumpled navy-blue sweater hanging open over a simple white tank top. “And a good morning to you too, Gon,” he said with a yawn. Had he just rolled out of bed?

“Oh, right, good morning,” Gon said belatedly. “Sorry.”

“C’mon, before the shopping rush starts!” Alluka called, already going on ahead of them, her ponytail swinging jauntily with every bouncing step she took.

“Shopping rush?” Gon echoed, raising his eyebrows and glancing at his best friend. “Does that exist?”

“If it doesn’t, I think she qualifies as one all on her own anyway,” Killua answered. They both snickered a little. Gon felt a rush of affection towards his friend. When his eyes met Killua’s, their smiles lingering on their faces, his heart seemed to skip a beat.

But the next moment, Killua’s grin had disappeared and was replaced with knitted brows and a frown. The deep blue gaze darted away, and with a mumbled, “C’mon, let’s go,” he ran ahead to catch up with Alluka, leaving the black-haired boy in the back by himself.

Gon’s smile had vanished too, and after a second he increased his pace as well. What had that been about? Had he said something wrong?

He tried not to let it bother him as he kept pace with them, putting his smile back in place where it should be, especially now that he was with Killua again.

Swaldani City was lively and bustling, the streets filled with people hurrying to work or to school. Gon had always thought of this city as sort of dull and unfeeling, most of the buildings and streets an endless expanse of gray. But now it seemed filled with color: passing cars glinting in the sunlight, the trees that lined every road in a kaleidoscope of stunning greens, the people scurrying across the crosswalks and chatting with each other. Gon’s eyes followed a pair of laughing boys for a moment, watching as they chased each other around signposts and tall passersby. Their eyes were bright and eager, their smiles unmarred by tragedy. He was suddenly overtaken with the kind of intense nostalgia that usually had him wondering whether he should just call Killua again already.

He didn’t have to call Killua now, though.

“Hey, Killua,” he said, trotting up to walk at his friend’s side, because he always seemed to be pulling ahead by a few paces. “Remember when you tried to teach me to skateboard?”

Killua looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Stupid. Of course I remember that,” he scoffed with a shrug. “Do I look like I’m going senile yet?”

“Well, your hair is white,” Gon reminded him with a grin.

Killua’s response was to shove him and laugh. The warmth that spread through Gon at that moment made him feel more like himself than he’d felt in years. It buzzed from his chest to his toes, much like it felt when Killua activated his _nen_. It felt like potential, like excitement, like something _alive._

He wanted to make it happen again.

“Um, anyway, I brought it up because I wanted to tell you, I actually did get my own skateboard,” he piped up again.

This time, Killua turned his whole face to look at him. “Really?” His eyebrows had flown up in surprise.

“Yeah!” It felt good to be impressing Killua again. Even if he was only going to end up impressed at how badly Gon had failed at learning to skateboard. “I’m… not any good at it. Especially because there aren’t many flat surfaces on Whale Island.”

“Maybe you should give him lessons, onii-chan,” Alluka chirped helpfully, popping her head between them. She smiled at Gon and winked, which Gon wasn’t sure how to interpret, but it seemed to indicate that she wanted Killua to spend time with him, so he smiled gratefully at her in return.

“I don’t even have that old thing anymore,” said Killua, frowning down at his little sister. “I had to give it up when we started traveling a lot.” Returning his gaze to Gon, a smirk spread across his face. “I’d love to watch you fall off one sometime, though.”

It was very odd, thought Gon, how a few years ago such a boldly-delivered challenge would get his blood pumping, and yet now it just made something buoyant and light expand in his chest. “I’ll make you eat those words,” he returned anyway. “I’m gonna knock your socks off.”

“I’ll be sure to wear sandals that day,” he retorted.

“You’re so stubborn,” Gon laughed. It was one of his favorite things about Killua.

“That’s rich, coming from you,” Killua pointed out.

The smiles stayed on their faces for a moment as they looked at each other, but then faded away into something that felt painful to keep up. Gon let his grin drop, suddenly feeling the warmth in his chest ice over. Killua must have felt it too, because he didn’t seem inclined to continue the conversation. He’d shoved his hands into his pockets and lifted his chin, staring straight ahead in a determined fashion that led Gon to believe he would not be so easily distracted again.

Gon’s eyes strayed to watch the path ahead of them as well, but even as they wove between open-air markets and outlet shops alike, he couldn’t help but feel like it was easier to look back than it was to look forward.

Stubborn… yes. Gon had broken many things by being stubborn.

Gon had always been better at breaking things than fixing them.

Maybe… if he kept looking at the pieces long enough, he could figure out how they fit together again.

Maybe.

* * *

Killua flopped into a chair at the food court with a huge sigh. Gon followed shortly after, plopping several bags laden with new purchases onto the table. As he massaged one shoulder, Alluka took the third seat at the table.

“Don’t you think you have enough now, Alluka?” the silver-haired Hunter asked. He had promised to buy whatever his sister wanted today, and she was definitely taking advantage of the opportunity (and having another person there who doted on her certainly didn’t hurt) to acquire all sorts of clothes and art supplies, plus a couple toys. There had been at least one object whose purpose was unknown to both Killua and Gon, but which Alluka had insisted upon having because “Nanika says it looks fun!”

“Where do you plan on keeping all this stuff, anyway?” Killua grumbled. Part of the drawback of being constantly on the move was that you could never accumulate more material possessions than you could carry unless you had a place to drop them off. Killua and Alluka no longer had that option. Well, Killua was welcome at the Zoldyck estate, but his sisters certainly were not. And if they couldn’t go back, Killua didn’t want to either.

“I’m sure between the three of us, we can carry it all!” the black-haired girl chirped, swinging her legs beneath her. She rested her chin in one hand, elbows on the table. “Right, Gon-nii?”

“I don’t mind carrying things,” Gon agreed. Alluka smiled brightly. The other boy returned the smile, but then his expression clouded over slightly. “But… what will you do when we…” He averted his eyes and stared at his hands, unable to ask the obvious question: What would happen when Gon and Killua parted ways again? Instantly, the atmosphere at the table became gloomier.

Alluka tilted her head. “When we what?” she prompted. Killua guessed that the gloomy atmosphere must have been mostly in his head, as the other Zoldyck seemed unaffected. Not that she was ever much affected by negativity.

“Well,” Gon said awkwardly, “when we both leave this city. Separately.”

Her brows knitted over her wide blue eyes. “What do you mean? Aren’t we going to be together now? When onii-chan and I leave in a few days, aren’t you coming with us?”

Killua cringed internally. Sometimes his sister’s naïveté made things awkward. No, perhaps it was his own penchant for keeping things to himself that had misled her. He should have been clear with Alluka that this reunion with Gon was only temporary. Just as the other boy was doing, he picked a spot on the table and stared at it resolutely. “Sorry, Alluka. I thought you knew that he wasn’t coming with us,” he mumbled, and heard her sharp intake of breath.

“Onii-chan!” Alluka said, glaring at him. “What’s wrong? Aren’t things all better now? Why can’t he come with us?”

Killua met her eyes. Her lip was trembling, and he was torn between remorse for making her upset and frustration that she was acting like some child whose parents had divorced. “Because we both have things we need to do and they don’t line up like they used to,” he answered bluntly, his frustration winning out.

His sister looked on the verge of tears. “That’s not true,” she said. “We just go anywhere we want. Why do you keep lying to me about what’s—” She was cut off when Gon put a hand on her shoulder. Surprised, she turned to look at him.

Killua was surprised too. Gon was smiling. It was a gentle smile, one that said _it’s okay_ and _that’s enough now._ “Killua’s right,” the black-haired boy said. “Our goals are different now. But we’ll meet up again sometime, right?”

Those tears in her eyes looked ready to spill over. “But… last time you said that, it was two years before we saw you again!” she protested.

“And anyway, we’re not leaving for a couple days yet,” Killua added, drawing her attention back away from Gon, who had looked troubled at her comment. “Let’s just enjoy our visit, okay?” He attempted a smile too.

She glared at him for a moment, as if trying to see through his façade, and then her expression smoothed out. Killua suppressed a relieved sigh. Thank goodness. She’d bought it. “Fine,” she grumbled, sinking down in her chair. “I still think it’s dumb that we can’t just stay together, but if you both want it this way…”

Neither boy confirmed this statement, and when Alluka spotted an ice cream vendor across the street, they set off again, Alluka dragging them both by the hand.

***

By the time the sun set, Killua had come to an unwanted conclusion: His feelings for Gon were as strong as they ever were. The past year, he’d gotten pretty good at going almost a whole day without thinking about him, or watching a week pass by without a single dream of the days they traveled together. He had foolishly thought that meant the feelings were fading away. However, just as he himself used to do in his old profession, it seemed they had been merely waiting for the right moment to attack and overwhelm him. Seeing Gon’s smile was like a sugar rush: it gave him a burst of energy and made him crave more. If left unchecked, he’d start doing stupid things again just to see that smile, over and over.

About halfway through their outing today, he’d realized he couldn’t allow himself to get too close to the other boy for this reason. And so he averted his eyes when Gon smiled at him. He positioned himself furthest from him, so that Alluka was always between the two of them. He deflected any curious questions about what his plans were for tomorrow. He tried not to leave too many opportunities for them to talk alone, even when it seemed like Gon wanted to say something to just him. It was a little painful—not least because he’d caught his best friend’s hurt expression a few times—but Killua was convinced that it had to be this way, or they’d never be able to separate again.

As he and his sister arrived back at their hotel room after bidding Gon farewell for the day, he sighed heavily. When he’d flung open the door, he trudged over to his bed and flopped onto it face-first, suddenly realizing that he was very tired.

He felt the bed sink a little beside him, but did not retract his face from the pillow. He merely waited for Alluka to explain why she was currently sitting on his bed.

“Onii-chan,” she said finally, with a serious tone. Uh-oh.

Reluctantly, he lifted his head and sat up, crossing his legs in a pretzel. “Yes?”

She looked stern. “Why were you being so mean to Gon-nii all day?” Her voice was blunt.

The silver-haired boy sighed. “Mean how?” he tried.

“Mean like you hardly looked at him or talked to him the whole time,” she returned. Of course. It was just his luck that she’d notice things like that _now._ Where had his naive little sister gone?

“I… wasn’t trying to be mean,” he admitted quietly, picking at the duvet a little. “I just didn’t want to make it harder for either of us when we split up again.”

“Well, it was making him sad,” she informed him. He winced a little. He knew that already. He _knew_ that. Being reminded of it just made frustration and regret swirl in his gut. “Is that what you want to remember about this visit?” Alluka continued in a chiding tone. “That you made your very important friend sad?”

Something inside Killua snapped. “Why is it that nobody seems to care when _he_ makes _me_ sad?!” The question had spilled out sharply and angrily, and as soon as he saw the startled (maybe even a little scared) face Alluka made, he cursed himself for not reining it in better. Now he’d hurt two people today. The burst of energy that had come with being angry left him abruptly, and his shoulders slumped in remorse. He opened his mouth to apologize, but before he could, Alluka was speaking again.

“Because you always keep your feelings to yourself,” she said gently. When he didn’t respond, she scooted closer to him and grabbed one of his hands. “You don’t say anything about them because you don’t want to bother people. But for people who don’t work like that, like Gon-nii and me, that just makes it harder for us to help when you’re feeling sad or upset.”

Killua almost wanted to laugh. He’d thought he had been doing a good job setting aside his own discomfort for the sake of Alluka and Gon’s enjoyment, when really it had been noticeable to both of them. When had he become so bad at being subtle?

His sister, much more perceptive than Killua had ever given her credit for, squeezed his hand. “I know there’s something bothering you,” she said softly. “If you let me, I could maybe try to help.”

Words wrestled within the older Zoldyck. He wanted to tell her _something,_ to let her know how grateful he was for her kindness. But everything that sprang to mind was far too personal: _I don’t ever want to leave his side. I don’t know if I can ever truly let go of the way he betrayed me, and I don’t know what I might do if it happens again._ _I don’t know how to make myself stop being in love with him, no matter what I try._

He realized his hands were trembling, and Alluka squeezed again for reassurance. She lay her head on his shoulder and waited. He swallowed, with a little difficulty.

“What I want…” he began, a little shakily, “is different from what Gon wants.” He paused, picking the words carefully. “If I try to get what I want, I could wind up with nothing.”

She was quiet for a moment, and when she spoke her voice was calm. “Onii-chan,” she said, “have you ever _asked_ what he wants?”

The question floored him. Of course he hadn’t. How could he? The very idea was absurd. If he asked, if the words were out there, there would be no more opportunity to ignore them. He could no longer keep the words as his own little secret, only existing within his head and his heart and never spilling over into the outside world. No, if he asked Gon what he wanted from him, he would get an answer, and that was even more terrifying than asking. It was better to just never say the words aloud. He’d thought that being far away from Gon would eliminate any need to discuss the matter, and so he’d stayed away.

“I guess that’s a no,” Alluka said, pulling her head away and looking at him with a half-smile. “Onii-chan, do you really think the question will go away just cuz you don’t ask it? That’s not how it works.”

She was right, of course. Of course it wouldn’t. He had been doing the very thing he had tried so hard to break himself of doing: He’d been running away from it.

Still, didn’t he deserve to be happy? He’d spent years on this boy, and all he’d gotten in return had been feelings that led him nowhere, lines he couldn’t cross, words he couldn’t say (memories he couldn’t relive, a sense of purpose he’d lost, happiness he’d never managed to capture again—he shoved these thoughts aside). Was it really so bad that Killua had been trying his hardest to not let his entire worldview hinge on one other person? Was it wrong to be wary of that person when he suddenly reappeared and threatened to turn his whole world upside down like he had the first time?

“When did you get so wise and worldly, huh?” he quipped, forcing a smile and ruffling Alluka’s hair, which she’d taken down for the night. His sister made a halfhearted noise of protest as she swatted his hand away. “Don’t worry about Gon and me, okay? We had a nice day together, didn’t we? That’s what matters.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “I’m not sure if that is what matters,” she said. “But I guess it’s up to you to decide what’s important.”

“What’s important right now,” Killua decided, getting to his feet, “is going to bed. I have a date tomorrow.”

Alluka sighed, and though she didn’t say anything as she got to her feet and disappeared into the bathroom to brush her teeth, Killua somehow felt that the unspoken message was that she was disappointed in him.

Well, that was fine, he thought. She wasn’t the only one.

***

“Killua?”

The silver-haired boy blinked, and straightened in his seat, his eyes shooting up to fix on his date’s concerned face. “O-Oh, uh, sorry!” he sputtered. “I, um, was just lost in thought.”

“Yeah, you’ve been kind of distracted all evening,” Emilia giggled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and averting her eyes. It was subtle, but Killua could tell that she felt awkward.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “I’m having a nice time, really I am. Just…” He had no idea how to finish that sentence. What could he even tell her? _My childhood_ _friend_ _that I still have unresolved feelings towards has suddenly dropped back into my life and now I can’t get him out of my head?_

“It’s all right!” she told him, waving her hands a little dismissively. “I was just saying that I’m ready to order.”

Killua’s eyes snapped down to the menu under his elbows as if noticing it for the first time. “Oh… um, good.” He shot her a quick smile and then scanned over the menu rapidly. Did they have hamburgers? Hamburgers were safe, weren’t they?

“I’m going with a salad. I think I’m going to try being vegetarian,” Emilia said thoughtfully, lacing her fingers together in front of her. “Red meat never really agrees with me anyway, and if that can save a few creatures, so much the better.”

Maybe hamburgers weren’t safe after all? He suddenly felt a bit guilty. “Y-Yeah, sure,” he mumbled, wondering if he could get away with ordering just a dessert.

“You can order meat if you want to,” she said, quirking an eyebrow knowingly. “I don’t mind.”

“Thank you,” he said gratefully.

Emilia just smiled at him.

  
***

She was nice, Killua thought to himself for probably the eightieth time as they finished their meal. Being with her was easy. She laughed at his jokes. She smiled up at him through her eyelashes like he was someone worth being shy over. She never made him feel like he wasn’t being listened to, or like what he wanted wasn’t important.

Then again, he’d only known her a few days. How was he even supposed to gauge how much he liked someone if he’d only been around them for a few days?

 _That didn’t seem to matter during the Hunter Exam,_ an unhelpful part of his brain chimed in. Killua ignored it. That was different. That was a lonely kid latching onto the first person his own age he’d ever been able to hang out with. That was someone desperate for guidance and affection looking for it in the first place he’d ended up. That was friendship, innocent and sweet and with endless possibility.

That was… not this.

“You don’t want to be here, do you?” Emilia’s voice was gentle, and the upward tilt of her eyebrows looked both fond and sad.

“What?” He nearly knocked over his water glass. “N-No, I—that’s—”

“It’s all right,” she mercifully cut his verbal floundering short. “I’m not sure what’s on your mind, but it must be pretty important to get you this mixed up.” She cocked her head at him, her hair falling over one shoulder, and then, after a moment’s hesitation, reached out and took one of Killua’s hands into her own. “You could… always tell me what you’re thinking about, if you want. I’m a good listener.”

His eyes, which had flown wide, darted from her face to her hand, once, twice. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say as an emotion akin to panic rose within him. After a moment during which Killua continued to react with flabbergasted silence, the girl across the table seemed to understand that the contact was not helping, and she withdrew her hand, the chagrined expression on her face making Killua’s stomach sink with guilt. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “But still. You can talk to me. Really.”

Though he opened his mouth, no sound came out, so he closed it and clenched his hands into fists atop the table. How could he even begin to describe this problem? He wasn’t even sure if it could be put into words, honestly. And what was he so conflicted about anyway? Nothing had changed. Sure, Gon was back in his life. Sure, they’d managed to have some pretty normal interactions. But nothing between them had made or would make any progress. Gon was still focused on traveling the world and doing jobs; he, Killua, was still focused on protecting Alluka. And yet, there was nothing that said those two things couldn’t be accomplished simultaneously. Nothing except the fear in his own heart.

 _Why can’t he come with us?_ he remembered Alluka’s devastated voice. _We just go wherever we want. Why do you keep lying to me about what’s—_ “Have you ever felt like you were more afraid of getting what you want than you were of letting it pass you by?” The words burst out of him before he could even plan them.

“Well, of course,” she said easily, raising her eyebrows. “After all, letting things pass you by doesn’t take much effort. It’s no risk. Trying for things… _that’s_ scarier.”

“ _Right?!_ ” he agreed enthusiastically, leaning a little further over the table. “Ugh, _thank you._ I keep hearing stuff like ‘well you won’t know unless you try.’”

“Uh, I mean, I was going to say something to that effect next,” she mumbled, her shoulders slumping a bit. “But I’m guessing you don’t want to hear that.”

He blew out a sigh and leaned back a little in his chair. “No, go ahead. Share your wisdom.”

She considered her words for a minute, her fork poking at what remained of her salad. “It’s easy to get used to disappointment,” she started, resting her chin in her free hand. “It can almost become comforting, even. You don’t have any expectations going into anything, so you don’t feel the heartbreak when you fail or come up short. But… you don’t feel much of anything else, either. Nothing’s exciting anymore. There’s no path ahead, just… a bunch of murk you don’t really want to see through. The things—or the people—that make you want to reach for them, in spite of the risk of failure… the things that can give you a little light, a little glimpse of a way forward when you’re stumbling through that murk... those are the things worth trying for.”

He stared at her for a good long while. “Murk?” he finally said.

She huffed at him, a blush settling over her freckled cheeks. “ _That’s_ the only word you got out of all that?!”

“No, no...” He stifled a small laugh. “Sorry. It’s just, I’ve never heard it as a noun before.”

“It’s a noun!” she defended herself. “I’m a writer, so I know that!”

He held up his hands in surrender. “I’m not doubting you.” Ruminating on her words, he took a slow sip of water, the ice clinking gently as he tipped it back.

Things that helped him see a path forward?

Well, that was what Gon had been for him since he’d met him, except that a lot of the time it seemed Gon had already started down the path without him and refused to wait for Killua to catch up. Sometimes that was literally what had happened. But for the past few years, Killua had had to rely on himself to find the best path. He was the one being a guiding force for someone now, someone who needed guidance even more than he ever had. Was he really allowed to still need guidance himself? Was he allowed to even want it?

Was he allowed to still, deep down—though perhaps not as deep down as he’d thought—want _him?_

“You look like my cat trying to figure out where the moving red dot is coming from,” Emilia informed him with a giggle.

It wasn’t the first time Killua had been compared to a cat, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. Personally, Killua didn’t see the resemblance. “I’m just… thinking about things I thought I was done thinking about a long time ago.”

There was another silence, during which Emilia rested her chin in her hand and moved her eyes over him searchingly. “Killua, I really like you,” she said at last, “but this”—here she gestured between herself and Killua—“isn’t going to work out, is it?”

Killua’s mouth fell open, and he gaped at her, astonished at being seen through. Although on second thought, he really hadn’t been hard to read, had he? He let his eyes fall closed. “No,” he murmured, “it’s not. I’m sorry.” Wasn’t he supposed to feel sad about this? Wasn’t he supposed to be disappointed? All he felt was a mixture of relief and emptiness.

The smile she gave him was rueful, but a little fond, too. “It’s all right. Thanks for being honest with me.”

Killua did not point out that he hadn’t actually been very honest at all, and instead just nodded, mute.

“I’m not sure what or who you’re hung up on,” said Emilia as she rose from her seat and dug a few bills out of her purse, “but… you’re going to find a way through that murk.” She set the bills down on the table and started putting on her coat.

Still Killua couldn’t say a word. Was she leaving? Should he stop her? What reason would he have to stop her? “Thank you,” he finally managed after an uncomfortably long pause. Should he have offered to pay for the whole meal instead of half?

Having shrugged on her coat and smoothed it down, Emilia rounded the table, stopping short when she reached Killua’s side. He looked up at her curiously. Her sparkling brown eyes really were just like his, he thought, and then felt a wave of self-loathing for thinking of Gon even when this was probably the last he would ever see of Emilia.

But Emilia didn’t seem to think it would be the last time. From her pocket, she drew a folded up scrap of paper, which she then placed on the table in front of Killua. “My number,” she explained when his fingers reached out almost automatically to unfold it. “In case you ever want to talk. We could be friends, if you want.” Sure enough, there was a phone number written there in Emilia’s cute, curvy handwriting, along with a _Call me soon –xo_ beneath it.

He gazed at the writing dumbly, amazed that this was the first time a girl had ever given him her phone number and yet ashamed that he couldn’t even bring himself to feel happy about that. He should still thank her though, shouldn’t he? It was only polite. “Thank—” he lifted his head and turned to say.

He couldn’t finish offering his thanks, however, because at that moment Emilia had leaned down, held onto one of Killua’s shoulders, and pressed her lips to his.

It only lasted a millisecond. The blink of an eye. Emilia drew back, gave him one more smile and squeeze of his shoulder, and then turned and walked away, never looking back once. Killua stared after her like a complete moron, slack-jawed and red-faced.

That… that had been a kiss, hadn’t it? It had happened so fast that he wasn’t sure he could classify it as one. His mind swirled around in dizzy spirals. His temples felt like they were starting to sweat. His hands, still holding Emilia’s number, were trembling. A kiss… Killua’s first kiss. He hadn’t really liked it.

But he hadn’t really hated it, either.

It was just… _nothing._ A brief pressure, so quick that he had barely had time to register _soft_ and _warm_ before it was over. Was this really what people got so crazy about? The thing that was supposed to feel so magical and special? The experience that he’d been told could be life-changing?

(The thing that a certain fourteen-year-old boy had once dreamed of doing, over and over and _over_ again, as he looked over at his best friend, whose skin was warm and soft and whose eyes reflected all the colors of the sunset as they sat together in a large and sturdy tree?)

His insides twisted with sadness. Would he have enjoyed it more if he hadn’t been thinking so hard about someone else?

Sighing, Killua got up from his seat too, stuffing Emilia’s number into one pocket and extracting his half of the bill from the other. He slammed it on the table, and then turned on his heel to leave. He had no reason to be here anymore.

‘ _Anymore’? Don’t kid yourself,_ he thought to himself bitterly. _You never had a reason to be here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter up soon! Most of what will be in Chapter 5 was written like five years ago, so believe me, I've been waiting longer for it to be finished than anyone, LOL. 
> 
> Thanks again to you all!! Find me on tumblr at wingsonghalo if you wanna come talk to me! I'm always up for making friends <333


	5. Stars, Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon sees something he shouldn't have, and reacts with his typical poor decision-making.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY WHOA TWO OF THESE SCENES HAVE BEEN WRITTEN FOR FIVE YEARS AND THE REST WERE WRITTEN JUST LAST WEEK. I hope with all my heart that you cannot identify which are which. 
> 
> Thank you so much again to everyone who has stuck with this story. I'm going to do my best to get even more of it done. Your support means the world to me <33333

How long was it appropriate to wait before he practically ambushed Killua on his walk back to the hotel?

Gon crouched patiently, his _Zetsu_ rendering him undetectable. His keen eyes were fixed intently on the white-haired boy who was trudging down the path to the restaurant. The streetlamps’ glow was turning Killua’s hair a light orange, like a creamsicle. And speaking of creamsicles…

The plastic bag, dripping with condensation from the ice cream he carried inside it, weighed heavily on Gon’s fingers as he finally stood up again, still hiding his presence. He carefully tracked Killua’s progress, staying a safe distance away, a long row of tall hedges obscuring him from view to anyone on the footpath.

He hadn’t been planning on watching Killua all night. Truly. After their shopping trip yesterday, he’d been wracking his brain for a way to get Killua to talk to him more. His mind had drifted back to their time together as children, when sharing some ice cream or chocolate was pretty much all it took for one of them to forgive the other and for tensions between them to ease.

It was never going to be as simple as ice cream anymore, but he thought he’d try it anyway.

On his way to Killua’s hotel, however, he’d caught a glimpse of him walking on the opposite side of the street, going in the other direction. Curious, he had followed, intending to catch up to him and strike up a conversation, but then Killua had disappeared inside that restaurant, and with a jolt of dread that Gon couldn’t quite explain, he’d remembered that Killua had another date with that girl tonight.

Why his next actions had been to throw himself behind a line of bushes outside where Killua was meeting his date, hide his presence, and watch through the nearby restaurant window, Gon had no idea. He was probably the one worst at deciphering his own unpredictable behavior. Killua was much better at it. Or… he had been, anyway.

Killua’s expression was sad as he sat at the table with Emilia, his forced smiles fleeting and quickly replaced with a frown and furrowed brow. The girl was leaning forward to engage with him, her hands gesturing animatedly as she talked, but the silver-haired Hunter looked like he was far away. Gon’s stomach clenched. Why was Killua so unhappy? Had it been something he had done earlier on their shopping trip? Or (some small, vindictive part of him whispered) was this woman simply a terrible date? Straining his ears—some _nen_ may have been involved—he managed to make out some of the conversation from the other side of the glass, but it all seemed like pretty average stuff to him, so he quickly stopped listening, afraid that he would end up overhearing the entire date and violating Killua’s privacy even more than he already was.

Not much was happening, from what Gon could see (though admittedly, there were quite a few branches in the way). The girl was doing almost all of the talking. Killua mostly stayed quiet and nodded, munching at his burger with the enthusiasm of a professional swimmer stranded in a desert.

But then Emilia had held Killua’s hand, and Gon’s eyes zeroed in on the contact like a sniper training his sights on his target. It looked wrong, it _felt_ wrong, and the look on Killua’s face told him that his friend did not like what was happening either. The Hunter hiding behind the shrubbery felt heat creep up the back of his neck. His muscles filled with energy he had no means of expending at the moment. Every instinct screamed at him to do something, no matter how angry Killua would be—but then the girl retracted her hand and looked ashamed, and all the irritation whooshed out of Gon like a punctured balloon. What had he gotten so worked up over? All she’d done was hold his hand for a few seconds. Killua looked like he wasn’t upset with her; why should Gon be?

Gon had no answer for that, and that was most irritating thing of all.

He wasn’t sure how long he crouched there, waiting and watching. He only knew that the sun, which had been a red half-circle on the horizon when Killua had arrived, had disappeared entirely by the time Emilia got up to leave.

And then something very strange had happened.

Quickly, so quickly that Gon was only sure it had happened thanks to Killua’s gobsmacked expression, Emilia had bent down and kissed Gon’s best friend right on the mouth. Then she straightened again, walking away like nothing had happened.

Gon, looking in on the scene between the gaps in the hedge branches and leaves, had found himself utterly frozen in place, just as shocked as Killua looked. A feeling Gon didn’t recognize bubbled deep in his belly, making him feel a bit sick, and his hand clenched around the handles of his plastic bag, his knuckles turning white. He didn’t like it. Not one bit.

He didn’t like _her._

Anyone who made Killua look like that—like someone who was confused and lost, a blank slate that other people could write on; anyone who put a look on Killua’s face that reminded Gon of a time when Killua had been only a vulnerable twelve-year-old—that wasn’t the sort of person Gon liked. Why had this girl set her sights on Killua, anyway? Sure, Killua was cute and funny and smart, but he wasn’t exactly _sociable._ He preferred to keep to himself, and only shared what he thought with those he chose to keep around. What about Killua had made this woman want to pursue him? And further, what about Killua had made her think it was okay to… to… do _that?!_

Emilia had pushed the restaurant’s front door open, and even though Gon was definitely far enough away, he’d plunged himself into the shrub immediately in front of him, as if wearing it for camouflage. Sharp branches poked into his clothing and scratched against his skin, but he hadn’t made a sound. Holding his breath for one, two, three counts, he’d watched Killua’s date go down the path, her stride easy and carefree and not at all like someone who had just kissed anyone. Killua had followed not five minutes later, and Gon had stayed in place, peeking out of the hedge like an owl. A very stupid and confused owl.

As Gon stewed there in his frustration, Killua turned the corner, and Gon snapped himself out of his reverie. He’d been so spaced out that he had inadvertently let his friend get too far ahead of him. Dropping his _Zetsu,_ Gon clumsily stepped out of the tall bush, his foot catching in the branches of it and making him stumble. It was as if the hedge was trying to hold him back, to warn Gon that what he was about to do was not a good decision.

But for some reason, Gon had the overwhelming feeling that if he let Killua out of his sight now, he wouldn’t see him again for a very long time. So, as was his predilection, he persisted in doing something that was quite obviously foolish.

“Wait!” he called out, feet pounding against the path’s hard gray surface. When things got dark like this, everything lost its color again, blending together in the same monotone palette that always made Gon feel as if the city was sapping all the life out of living things. It was rather fitting that the only color he could see was shining onto Killua as he turned beneath the glow of another streetlamp. Framed in soft light like this, he looked like he had an angelic halo around his head.

“Gon?” His friend’s voice still sounded small and far away when Gon reached him and doubled over, his hands on his knees and trying to catch his breath. “What are you doing here?”

“I… was on… a snack run,” he got out, lifting the bag still dangling from his right hand. There were a couple holes in the bag now from all the branches and sticks, but he hoped Killua wouldn’t notice those. “Thought… you’d like some ice cream.” He breathed deep one more time, and then straightened up.

The eyes that met his as Gon stood up were suspicious. “Why are you out here with ice cream?” he asked.

That distrusting look directed at him sent a jolt of pain through Gon’s chest, but he slapped on his best smile anyway. “I was on my way to your hotel with it, but I spotted you before I could get there.”

Thankfully, Killua’s expression smoothed out then. “Oh,” he said. “Well… thanks, I guess.” He looked around, his eyes falling on a black wrought-iron bench in the nearby park. “Wanna sit there and eat it?”

The suggestion surprised Gon a little. Killua had been actively avoiding being alone with Gon all day yesterday, but now it was suddenly okay? Did this mean he felt more comfortable around Gon now, or that he simply didn’t care anymore? “Sure,” he responded, and followed his friend over the grass (they weren’t really supposed to walk on it, but it was quicker than using the footpaths) to the bench. There was a wide tree above it, which would have offered a good amount of shade in the daytime, but now it just seemed like it made things more private, a leafy umbrella sheltering them from their surroundings. Gon was fine with that.

“So are you ever going to let me have it?” asked Killua once Gon had taken his seat.

“Wh-What?”

“The ice cream,” Killua clarified, holding out a hand palm-up and wiggling his fingers. “C’mon.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. “Right. Of course.” At long last, he opened up the damp plastic bag that was sitting next to him, and pried open the lid on the small carton of Neapolitan ice cream. Together, they looked down into it.

“I think it melted a little,” said Gon sheepishly.

“A little?” Killua echoed. “It’s practically ice cream soup.” He sounded amused, though, so Gon figured he wasn’t upset about it.

He handed Killua one of the two plastic spoons he’d brought, and then scooped up bit of the liquid ice cream. “To ice cream soup shared with friends,” he said, lifting the spoon in a mock toast. Killua laughed, and the sound made something warm and bright flare in Gon’s chest.

Luckily, it was only the top layer that was liquefied. There was still actual ice cream hiding underneath, soft but undeniably still in the “solid” category. They powered through the frozen treat, Killua taking nearly all of the chocolate. That was fine. Gon had planned on Killua eating all of the chocolate. In between spoonfuls, he prodded the silver-haired Hunter for information as gently as he could.

“So you had your date tonight, right?” Gon’s eyes wandered to the large placard surrounded by a garden on the other side of the footpath in front of them, struggling against the urge to stare at his friend intently.

A short pause as Killua took his time drawing the spoon out of his mouth. “Yeah.”

“Well, how was it?” Gon tried not to sound too eager. If he seemed overly curious about things, Killua would probably get defensive. _I have to do this carefully,_ he thought as he dug into some vanilla. Unfortunately, Gon was not a pro at being careful with anything.

His friend waited a bit before answering again. “It was fine,” he said at length. “She’s still nice.”

Gon stared up into the branches of the tree above them. The stars glinted in the gaps between the leaves, and he thought back to a time not so long ago, when he had stared up at the stars and spoken of dreams with the person he liked best in the place he called home. “Do you like her?” he broke the silence.

Killua shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Gon jabbed his spoon into the ice cream with perhaps more force than was necessary then, frustrated. He was trying to have a conversation here, but Killua was giving him _nothing._ He’d said way more to Emilia, even. The thought made that horrible feeling, the one he had felt when she had kissed Killua, churn in his stomach. Was he really losing Killua? Had Gon been replaced as his confidante, his most important friend? Gon had thought that Killua and the girl were not very well acquainted, but if Killua really liked her, she might end up being the person he spent the most time with. The unbeatable team of Gon and Killua would be no more, replaced with a Killua and Emilia, with Gon thrown off to the wayside.

He didn’t want that to happen.

He couldn’t let that happen.

"Hey, Killua," he said tentatively, holding the spoon over his mouth. Maybe some part of him knew that he should not let these words escape. "Did she kiss you?" He knew the answer, of course, but he wanted to hear it from Killua’s own lips, the ones that that girl had kissed.

Killua paused in the middle of bringing a spoonful of strawberry to his mouth (he’d officially eaten all the chocolate). "How is that your business?" he grumbled, and shoved the spoon in his mouth. He moved the ice cream around in his mouth thoughtfully. "She might have," he answered at last.

A wave of something like grief washed over the other Hunter. "Does this mean you're… together?" he asked quietly, staring down at his legs.

Killua reached for another spoonful of ice cream, but when he pulled the spoon out of the carton, there was only a tiny speck of vanilla. Dissatisfied, he peered into the carton. It was empty. He shrugged and chucked it into the trash receptacle next to the bench, and then rose from where he sat. "No," he answered simply.

Gon didn't know whether to feel relieved or even more curious at this one-word response. "How much does she know about you?" he pressed, standing as well and following after as his silver-haired friend began to walk again down the park’s brick footpath again, arms folded behind his head in that particular Killua way.

The taller boy sighed, but then answered, as if resigned to the fact that Gon was going to keep asking unwanted questions. "Not much. I told her I had family issues and that my life could get dangerous, but I didn't go into any details."

"Was she funny?"

"She was engaging. I wouldn't say _funny,_ necessarily, but sometimes she'd say stuff that was amusing in a kind of unexpected way. Insightful, I guess you might call it."

Gon frowned at that. Killua had never said anything to suggest that _Gon_ was engaging or insightful. "Does she like animals?"

Killua shot him a puzzled look. "That's kind of a random question. How would I know?"

"Since she's a vegetarian, I thought maybe she likes animals," he reasoned.

"Hmm," Killua said thoughtfully, and then suddenly his eyes widened and he stopped to stare at the other boy. "Gon," he said, "How did you know she was a vegetarian?"

Gon froze. Hadn't Killua said so? Hadn't he asked whether—

And then he remembered where he'd heard that little bit of information.

 _I'm going to try being a vegetarian,_ she'd said, closing her menu and setting it on the table. _Red meat never really agrees with me anyway_ _, and if that_ _can save a few creatures_ _, so much the better!_

Crap. What had he just done? "Uh," he tried. "Didn't… didn't you say she was?"

"No, Gon, I did _not_ say," Killua said, starting to raise his voice. His eyes had taken on an intimidating sort of gleam. "Were you spying on me _again?!_ The _whole time?!_ "

"No!" Gon lied. "I just… I thought she was suspicious, so I was worried, and I—"

"I can look out for _myself,_ Gon!" the taller boy shouted, taking an aggressive step forward. "What were you, posing as one of the busboys?! I don't need you _supervising_ me, or asking me all these _questions,_ or judging my taste in _dinner companions!_ "

"I wasn't judging your—look, Killua, I'm sorry,” he said, holding up both hands in a placating gesture. “I promise I really was going on a snack run.” Killua glared at him, but let him talk, so Gon continued. “Your hotel was on the way back, but then I saw you walking down the street. I figured I’d catch up to you, and then surprise you with ice cream. But then I saw you with her, and I remembered you were supposed to be on a date, so I turned around and thought I’d wait for you back at your hotel..." He was talking much faster than usual, trying to bury this one little lie—his supposed intention to leave Killua alone on his date—among all the accurate statements. Killua's face was dangerous. His eyes narrowed at him suspiciously. The truth tumbled out of Gon before he could stop it. "I saw her hold your hand and it made me nervous because you’re weird about touching sometimes so I wanted to keep an eye out for you and then I ended up just waiting for you to come out but then she kissed you and I didn't want to show up out of nowhere after that and have her see me so then I hid in a bush!" he blurted in a rush.

Killua looked torn between exasperation, anger, and perhaps a tiny bit of amusement. "Are you seriously telling me you hid in the bushes with a carton of ice cream for like half an hour because you were afraid I’d be harmed by a teenage girl?" he growled. His voice really had gotten deeper in the time they'd been apart—the timbre of it felt pleasant to Gon's ears, but this really wasn't the time to be contemplating it.

"Yes," he confirmed weakly, his shoulders slumping. He prepared himself to be smacked on the back of the head or reprimanded, but what came next surprised him.

Killua's face crumpled, and then he doubled over in uproarious laughter. Gon straightened again and stared as Killua clutched his stomach and cracked up. He didn't know how to respond to this. "Oh, man," his friend said, finally winding down to some intermittent chuckles as he wiped a tear from his eye. "The image of you just… poking your head out of the shrubs… with a dripping grocery bag..." He giggled a little more, and then slapped Gon on the back in a friendly gesture, knocking him forward a bit. "Seriously, you're lucky that's so hilarious. I'd probably be really pissed otherwise." He moved past the shorter boy to start walking again.

"Heheh… yeah..." Gon agreed nervously, and then jogged a few steps to catch up with him. "I really am sorry, though," he said again, searching Killua's blue eyes for any trace of anger.

They were clear and placid, still sparkling a little with mirth. "I'm actually not mad, though I probably should be," Killua said. "I'm glad I was protected from the evils of girly giggling and conversations about cats."

The other boy's tone was teasing, but Gon still felt like he should say this. "I always want to protect you, Killua," he told him soberly. "Even if you want me to leave you alone, I'm always going to want to be looking out for you."

All traces of laughter fled from the ex-assassin's face. "Gon..." His expression was guarded, a mask of professionalism hiding softened eyes. "You don't need to do that. You've got your own goals and I've got mine, and it's okay if we do our own thing."

"I'm all out of goals," Gon admitted earnestly. "So… now there's just you. You and me and the world." Suddenly, everything he'd been longing to tell Killua was just spilling out. "Killua, let's travel together again. I don't care what we do—you were always better at finding jobs than me anyway, and I could help you protect Alluka and Nanika, or whatever you wanted.” He felt lit up all over with hope, with excitement. “There's nothing more for me to chase after, except you."

Something that looked like pain flashed across Killua's face as the other boy walked beside him. "Gon, don't… don't say stuff like that. There's plenty of stuff you can strive for, and I can't always be tagging along with you on your crazy adventures. We're not kids anymore. We can't just wander around with no purpose..." His words were halting and quiet, unsure and unconvincing. He was averting his eyes. Gon’s brows knit as he struggled to make sense of it. Why was Killua making up reasons to stay away from him?

Desperate for Killua to understand, he took Killua's hand to stop him midstride. His friend jolted and froze in place, eyes shooting up to Gon’s face. "Killua," Gon said, his voice soft. "Why do you assume we need a purpose other than sticking together?"

Killua's eyes widened, two shining sapphires, and his cheeks were glowing a faint pink in the light from the streetlamp overhead, another small beacon of color in a colorless world. The park was quiet but for the sound of crickets and other nighttime wildlife. Killua opened his mouth, no doubt to protest, to tell him why Gon couldn't want what Gon wanted, to say more things that would put distance between them, and the other Hunter realized in that moment that he had to stop Killua's words before they could happen.

Gon didn't really think about it. He had never been one to think about things like this. All he knew was that he was hurting and desperate and he could be losing everything, and he could not let that happen.

He leaned forward into the other boy’s space and pressed his lips against Killua's.

* * *

Killua's head spun. Gon smelled like vanilla and strawberry and _sunshine_ , somehow, and Killua felt electrified, though to his knowledge he had not accidentally used any of his _nen_. Gon’s free hand, the one that wasn’t holding Killua’s, had reached up to touch Killua’s cheek. Was _this_ what a kiss was really like? It was so much different than before. This was poignant, this was sudden, this was… so strange, but so _wonderful…_ His eyes fell shut, and his head tilted to return the gesture almost automatically, leaning into it.

A moment later, the kiss was broken, and as the shorter boy pulled away and stepped back, releasing his hand, Killua heard himself murmur a quiet "Why?"

Gon stared at him a few seconds before deciding on an answer. "Because… I didn't like that girl touching you and getting to keep you." Two years ago Killua would have killed to hear those words, quite literally. "You're..." Gon averted his eyes, staring at his boots. "You're mine, Killua."

Killua's blood ran cold at that, and the trance the kiss had put him in shattered. "Who the hell do you think you are?!" he shouted, shoving at Gon's chest. "I don't belong to anyone! Certainly not to someone who pretended I didn't exist for two years!" This was patently untrue, but he had to find some way to convey how unimportant he had felt to Gon all this time. He couldn't just fall off the face of the earth for a year and then run back in getting all jealous over the only date Killua had _ever had_ and all but saying Killua was _his purpose in life_ and making his head spin with—

Gon looked hurt, but Killua pretended not to care for a while. "I tried contacting you for a whole year after we split up!" the brown-eyed Hunter defended himself. "You stopped answering!"

"You were always wanting _me_ to come travel with _you!_ I was sick of always trailing along after you like some—" He cut himself off before he could say _lovesick puppy._ He turned away, ran a hand through silver hair. "Do you have any idea what it was like for me?" said Killua, his words sharp, hinting at years of repressed anger. "You are so _selfish._ You just run ahead, with no regard for the people who care about you, dragging them along in your wake. I would have done anything for you. I gave up everything, put lives on the line for you, broke myself in two for you. And I'd finally gotten to the point where I could maybe start living for myself for once. Maybe I could even try to have things I couldn't have before. And then you..." His voice broke, and he hated himself. He was supposed to be angry, dammit. "You can't pull this on me. Not now."

Gon was quiet for a minute, and when Killua chanced a look at him, he saw that he looked totally shocked and maybe a little devastated.

"Killua," he started. "I didn't know you felt so angry at me—"

Killua laughed, a sardonic-sounding laugh that he almost didn’t recognize from himself. "Yeah, you never were very good at seeing how you affect other people," he spat venomously, and Gon winced. Killua took a tiny bit of sadistic pleasure in seeing that his words were getting to him, but his voice was still shaking and weak, and he knew that if Gon were to kiss him again, he would surely lose himself in years-old longing, in dark hair and freckles and a smell like home; not the "home" that he had grown up in, but the "home" that meant “a place where you belong.”

"I didn't mean 'you're mine' as in 'you're an object,'" Gon clarified, obviously trying to keep his voice even. "I just… I don't want things to be different from how they were before." He forced a smile at Killua, probably not even knowing how many times he'd unwittingly used it to manipulate Killua throughout the years. "I don't want us to change, Killua."

"We already _have_ changed, Gon!" Killua shouted, whirling around to face him and throwing up his hands. How could he not have realized that already? "We're not 14 anymore, my life no longer revolves around you, and you can't get me to do whatever you want just by smiling your stupid perfect smile!" Gon blinked at that, but Killua was on a roll. "Maybe I used to be yours," he said bitterly. "But you were never mine. And now it's too late." He stood there for half a moment before deciding that he had said enough, and turned to leave. A hand rapidly reached out and grabbed his.

"Killua, wait.” Gon’s voice was pleading. His hand was warm. "Please don't go away again. I… I need you." His thumb stroked over Killua's knuckles gently. Killua had never seen this expression on his friend’s face before. It was vulnerable, and hopeful, and it made his insides do flip-flops, and he _hated_ that Gon could still make him feel this way after all this time.

"Needing someone and loving them are two different things, Gon," Killua said quietly, yanking his hand out of Gon's grip. "And I can't afford to do either with you anymore."

And then he was gone, leaving Gon staring after him, looking empty and completely shattered.

* * *

Gon was more certain than ever that he had screwed things up with Killua for good.

 _Needing someone and loving them are two different things,_ he remembered, staring at the water-spotted hotel ceiling, the fan's blades turning as rapidly as his thoughts. _I can't afford to do either with you anymore._ Did that mean that Killua had once needed him?

Did that mean that Killua had once loved him?

He groaned and scrubbed over his face, pressing the heels of his hands against his closed eyelids until he saw stars.

He'd seen stars when he'd kissed Killua, too.

What had made him do that? He'd never felt compelled to do such a thing before. But Killua had just been so… _perfect_ there in the glow of the streetlamp, all blue eyes framed by long lashes, and pale skin dusted with rose, and hair the color of the moon. He had been flawless, just as Gon remembered him being, when everything seemed right; when all Gon wanted was within reach because _Killua_ was within reach. He hadn't been in reach for a long time. And suddenly, he had been again, and Gon had realized that he would do anything to stop this from changing. Including suddenly kissing his best friend, apparently.

 _Though, come to think of it,_ he reflected, arms flopping out to splay on either side of himself again, _I'm not so sure about the "suddenly" part anymore._

His reaction to seeing Killua with that girl had been… tumultuous. He had felt a thousand emotions all at once: Betrayal, resentment, anger, sorrow, all blurring together in a maelstrom that he hadn’t been able to sort out until now. His vision had all but tunneled, focusing on Killua's pale hand in hers with the intensity of a predatory animal. He'd known years ago, somewhere deep in the back of his mind, that over time Killua would make new friends. New people would become important to Killua, and Killua would become important to new people in turn. He _knew_ that. So why did it shake him up so much to see it firsthand? It wasn't as if Killua's life would stand still just because Gon wasn't in it anymore. Yet when he had seen Killua's life moving on without him, he'd wanted to just...

He wasn't quite sure.

He’d wanted to pull Killua back to his side, look over in the middle of the night to find him sleeping in the next bed over, throw an arm around him and laugh when Killua messed up learning to fish, take him by the hand and drag him to the top of a hill to watch the sunset. Seeing someone else taking that hand… he'd felt the need to do something to undo it, erase the closeness between Killua and this girl and rewrite his own name.

 _You're so selfish,_ he remembered, his heart stinging. Killua was right. All this time, he'd been focused on how Killua's actions were making _him_ feel instead of thinking about Killua's feelings. For so long, it seemed that his own and Killua's desires were one and the same: they shared goals, ambitions, and popsicles like best friends do. When had their feelings started to drift apart?

 _Probably around the time I went nuts about Kite,_ some unkind part of himself hissed, but he shoved the thought away. He couldn't start thinking about that, not again.

In the two years they'd been apart, Gon had looked at his relationship with Killua through honey-colored lenses, everything soaked in gold and glowing, pure and incorruptible. He and Killua were like the stars—always bright, always shining, always _there_ even if you couldn't see them. How had he been so ignorant? Had he missed some of the stars beginning to wink out of existence? Did Killua not even see the same night sky as him anymore, all the constellations jumbled up and rearranged? He felt utterly helpless in the face of all this change.

He squeezed his eyes shut. A tear traced his cheek, another falling star.

* * *

Her heart pounded in her chest as the phone rang, but hearing the person on the other end pick up was no source of relief.

“Please tell me you have good news for me,” said the distorted voice that answered.

“I’ve delivered the first order,” she informed him, trying to keep the fear out of her voice. Her hand trembled around the phone, so she clenched it in her grip until her knuckles ached. “I will contact you as soon as it is fulfilled. You should have what you want by tomorrow. So please…” She swallowed, and rested her forehead against the wall, the only form of weakness she could afford to display. “...Won’t you let him go now?”

“All in good time, Miss Alling. I cannot give you your prize if I do not have mine first.” The words did not inspire much confidence. Even through the voice scrambler, she could hear how mocking that singsong tone was. “But don’t worry. Your brother is in… very good hands. Of this you can be sure.”

The sob that rose in her throat was quickly stifled. She couldn’t fall to pieces now. Her job was not over yet. Henry’s life rested in her hands, her cursed and dirty hands which were being used to destroy rather than create. She was nothing like her brother, the kind and gentle nurse who saved people and took away their pain. Henry was someone who healed others. But it seemed that all she was meant to do was hurt them.

Taking in a deep, shuddering breath, she wrestled her voice into something smooth and unafraid. “...Very well.”

“Good girl. And do be careful with my brother’s...creature,” said the other voice. “It can be quite dangerous.”

“I remember,” she replied. “I will not fail you, Mr. Zoldyck.”

“Oh, I know you won’t,” sang the voice on the other end. “You don’t have a choice.”

The phone clicked off then, and Emilia Alling let herself crumple to the ground, succumbing to her tears at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW WHAT A TWIST THAT ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE PROBABLY SAW COMING! Also sorry for the angst. But they kind of needed to get these things out in the open. Don't worry, I'm a sucker for a happy ending. ;)
> 
> Would it surprise anyone if this ended up being 9 or 10 chapters? I think it might surprise me. 
> 
> Chapter 6 is planned, but I don't think a single scene of it has been actually written, so the next update might take a while! Thank you so much for your patience. I love you all ;-; <33333


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